Where can I get the strength to survive the death of an adult son. Helping Yourself Get Through Grief: Practical Tips

People who survived the death of a son, especially the only one, sometimes have to suffer alone. No, of course, those around, especially relatives and close friends, are always there to support.

But often all the help that can be given to you comes down to the words “Life goes on” or “Be strong, we are with you.” But does this help you find the answer to the question, how to survive death only son ?

The pragmatic way

Each person experiences grief in his own way, but for many centuries, during which people have lost their mothers, children, beloved husbands and wives, friends, a pragmatic approach to the question of how to survive death loved one. The period of heightened emotional experiences after death native person conditionally divided into three stages.

First stage

it shock, numbness, rejection what has already happened. During this period, people behave differently. Someone seeks solace in alcohol, someone plunges headlong into work, someone overpowers himself and takes on all the trouble of organizing a funeral.. Sometimes a person loses the meaning of life, especially if death has befallen a child.

What helps

Help massage, sedatives on herbs. Crying during this period is possible and necessary. Don't be embarrassed by anyone, tears are a natural reaction to great grief. This stage continues, the stage of shock, about nine days.

Second stage

This stage lasts about forty days. Perhaps a person still cannot come to terms with the loss, denies what happened, although he understands that a loved one cannot be returned. But this understanding does not yet give that peace of mind that a person in his soul wants to achieve.

What helps

During this period, a person may see a voice, the steps of a deceased son, he may come in a dream and try to speak.. If the same thing happens to you talk to your son in a dream, ask him to come. It is too early to let go of a dead person. Do not be shy about good memories, talk about the deceased with relatives, willingly share your experiences. If they can't help you in word or deed, they can at least listen. Tears during this period can also help to periodically recover. But if these periods continue almost around the clock, you need to contact a qualified psychologist.

Third stage

About a year after the death of your son, some kind of peace may come to you. Although a resurgence is possible. However, you are probably already learned to manage their grief know what to do to calm down. Get distracted by your favorite business, chat with friends, spend time with them together. If you have survived all these stages of the tragedy well, you can come to terms with the loss and learn how to live on. Yes, memories will torment you from time to time, but do not reject them. Sometimes you can cry, the main thing is that you will soon calm down and pull yourself together. After all, you have a family, it has not gone anywhere. Your relatives will help you, over time you will have a new incentive to live, to a happy life.

But often all the help that can be given to you comes down to the words “Life goes on” or “Be strong, we are with you.” But does this help you find the answer to the question of how to survive the death of your only son?

The pragmatic way

Each person experiences grief in their own way, but over the centuries, during which people have lost their mothers, children, beloved husbands and wives, friends, a pragmatic approach has been developed to the question of how to survive the death of a loved one. The period of intensified emotional experiences after the death of a loved one is conditionally divided into three stages.

First stage

It is shock, numbness, rejection of what has already happened. During this period, people behave differently. Someone seeks solace in alcohol, someone plunges headlong into work, someone overpowers himself and takes on all the trouble of organizing a funeral. Sometimes a person loses the meaning of life, especially if death has befallen a child.

What helps

Massage, soothing herbal tinctures will help. Crying during this period is possible and necessary. Don't be embarrassed by anyone, tears are a natural reaction to great grief. This stage, the stage of shock, continues for about nine days.

Second stage

This stage lasts about forty days. Perhaps a person still cannot come to terms with the loss, denies what happened, although he understands that a loved one cannot be returned. But this understanding does not yet give that peace of mind that a person in his soul wants to achieve.

What helps

During this period, a person may see the voice, the steps of a deceased son, he may come in a dream and try to speak. If the same thing happens to you, talk to your son in a dream, ask him to come. It is too early to let go of a dead person. Do not be shy about good memories, talk about the deceased with relatives, willingly share your experiences. If they can't help you in word or deed, they can at least listen. Tears during this period can also help to periodically recover. But if these periods continue almost around the clock, you need to contact a qualified psychologist.

Third stage

About a year after the death of your son, some kind of peace may come to you. Although it is possible to re-splash. However, you have probably already learned how to manage your grief, you know what needs to be done to calm down. Get distracted by your favorite business, chat with friends, spend time with them together. If you have survived all these stages of the tragedy well, you can come to terms with the loss and learn how to live on. Yes, memories will torment you from time to time, but do not reject them. Sometimes you can cry, the main thing is that you will soon calm down and pull yourself together. After all, you have a family, it has not gone anywhere. Your relatives will help you, over time you will have a new incentive to live, to a happy life.

How to get over the death of a son: ways to dull the pain

The loss of a son is a terrible tragedy for parents and the whole family. There is no reason to justify leaving children. And worst of all, there is no cure for this debilitating torment. Torments, not to see your child again, to know that he left prematurely, not having time to see this world. Together with the child, the mother buries her heart. Surviving the death of a son seems impossible. But suffering can be alleviated.

Live grief from beginning to end

Nature has laid down a natural mechanism for living grief. If you go through it from beginning to end, the pain will dull and become a little easier. Consider the main stages of mourning:

1. Shock. Usually the state of shock lasts up to 3 days. During this period, parents can deny the death of the child, believe in a mistake, a bad dream. They need irrefutable facts confirming that the son is dead. Some get stuck at this stage for years. They peer into the faces of children, looking for their own among them. Or leave the son's room and things untouched, in case he comes home.
2. Sobs. The state of shock usually passes after the funeral. This is followed immediately by a stage of sobs and tantrums. The mother can howl, scream until she is hoarse. Outbursts of emotions alternate with a state of complete physical and emotional exhaustion. The sobs last for about a week.
3. Depression. Tantrums occur less and less, but at the same time, anger grows inside, longing for his son, a feeling of emptiness. A woman may feel insufficient participation from relatives, it seems to her that everyone has already forgotten about the tragedy.
4. Mourning. Begins on the 40th day after death and continues until her anniversary. This period is characterized by frequent memories, "scrolling" of bright moments. The pain recedes, and then rolls in a new wave. There is a desire to speak out, to talk with someone about his son.
5. Death anniversary. An important date when all relatives gather to honor the memory of the deceased. Relatives celebrate this day with a commemoration, commemoration, prayer, a trip to the cemetery. Such a ritual should help parents say goodbye to their son, let him go. From now on, you need to take control of your feelings, do everything to return to a full life.

The death of a child divides life in half. After the tragedy, she will never be the same again. But you have to keep living. And for this you need to learn how to deal with pain.

Advice. If enough time has passed since the death of your son, and you are stuck in one of the states, try to move on to the next stage of mourning. Having experienced all the grief from beginning to end, you will feel relief.

Learn to get rid of the pain

Pain cannot be cured. But curbing it, dulling it, learning to be distracted is quite real. Here all methods are good:

1. Express your grief in art. Write a poem in honor of your son, draw a picture, embroider an icon with beads.
2. Load yourself up physically. It can be sports, building a house or a summer house, improving the site. Large loads dull emotions.
3. Share your pain. It is imperative to find a person or people who can share your grief with you. If you don’t find understanding among your loved ones, start communicating on the Internet. There are special forums where mothers who have lost children talk about their pain, support and help others survive the tragedy.
4. See your doctor for a prescription for sedatives. The specialist will be able to choose a medicine that helps stabilize emotional background. It will be easier for you to control yourself, pain will decrease, sleep will normalize, and other signs of stress will disappear.
5. Don't resort to alcohol narcotic substances, do not take serious drugs without a doctor's prescription. The effect of these methods can be just the opposite.
6. Start helping those in need. Unspent love for a son can be used for good. Help the kids from the orphanage who have never known parental warmth. Feed the homeless, donate to sick children, take care of animals or lonely old people.
7. Write a letter to your son. State everything that you want to tell him on paper, and then burn it. Write as much as you need to relieve the pain.
8. Get distracted. Watch comedy movies, read books, cook elaborate meals, do renovations, or find any other activity that distracts you from your painful thoughts, even if only for a little while.
9. Go to bed on time, eat regularly. You must do it by force. Proper nutrition and sleep will help you recover from grief faster by reducing stress hormones in your blood.

Author's advice. The death of a child almost always causes parents to suffer from guilt. They think that they could prevent the tragedy, somehow influence the course of history. It is very important to get rid of this feeling. How it would be, no one can know. Any mother or father would give anything for a child to live. But the past cannot be returned. It's important to come to terms with this.

Find out the secret of intimate relationships that will bring real passion to your relationship! The famous TV presenter and just a bright woman tells.

Honor the memory of your son

Very often, after the loss of a child, parents feel that they have no right to experience happiness anymore. Any positive emotions are perceived as a betrayal of the son. But dooming yourself to eternal suffering is wrong. It is better to express your respect in another way:

Perhaps now it is difficult for you to imagine that the memory of your son can be not painful, bring joy and happiness. But years later, you will be able to see that it is possible.

A Matter of Faith

If you belong to a particular religion, ask them for help. Faith helps many people cope with grief. Orthodoxy promises a meeting with the child after death. Hope for this does not allow the mother to break down or commit suicide. But there are those who turn away from the faith, not understanding why God allowed an innocent child to be able, when murderers and maniacs continue to exist on earth. There is a parable that explains this:

“An old man’s daughter died, very young and very beautiful. After the funeral, my father decided to climb Mount Ararat every day and cry out to God. For many months he left without an answer. Then the old man got angry, and said angrily: “Appear, look me in the eyes and answer why, among the multitude of people, you chose my daughter?”

And then clouds covered the sky, lightning flashed, and the old man saw God. And he said: “Why do you trouble me, I know your grief.” Then the father fell on his knees and began to ask God to answer his questions. And God said to him: “I will answer you, but first make me a staff.”

The old man went into the forest, found a branch and quickly made a staff. But as soon as he leaned on him, he broke. He began to look for a stronger branch, saw a young tree and cut it off. The staff turned out to be surprisingly strong. The old man climbed the mountain, called God. “I completed your task,” the old man says and holds out the staff. God examined him and said: “Glorious came out, strong. Why did you cut the young tree? The old man told him. Then God said: “You yourself answered your questions. You made a staff from a young tree so that you could lean on it and not fall. So here I need young, beautiful people who would become my support!

Having a son is a huge blessing. Children are the rays that illuminate our lives. With their arrival, we rethink a lot and even learn something. Unfortunately, not all children are destined for a long happy life. You need to come to terms with this, learn to live again, keeping in your heart only joy and happiness from the fact that this child was once with you.

Psychologist's comment:

(A psychologist's commentary on this article is not yet available.)

Life always ends in death, we understand this intellectually, but when dear people leave this world, emotions take over. Death takes some into oblivion, but at the same time breaks others. What to say to a mother who is trying to get over the death of her only son? How and how to help? There are still no answers to these questions.

Time does not heal

Psychologists, of course, help orphaned parents. They give advice on how to survive the death of a son, but before you listen to them, you need to understand a few important things. This is especially true for those who want to help their friends or relatives survive grief.

No one can come to terms with the death of their child. A year will pass, two, twenty, but this pain and longing still will not go anywhere. They say that time heals. This is not true. It's just that a person gets used to living with his grief. He can also smile, do what he loves, but it will be a completely different person. After the death of a child, a black, deaf void forever settles inside the parents, in which unfulfilled hopes, unspoken words, feelings of guilt, resentment and anger at the whole world huddle like sharp fragments.

With each new breath, these fragments seem to increase, turning the insides into a bloody mess. Of course, this is a metaphor, but those who wonder how to survive the death of a son experience something like this. Time will pass, and the bloody mess will already become a common occurrence, but as soon as some external irritant is reminded of what happened, sharp spikes will immediately break out of the arms of the void and with a frenzy dig into the already slightly healed flesh.

Stages of grief

For parents, the loss of a son is a terrible tragedy, because it is impossible to find a reason that will justify this departure. But the worst thing is that there is no cure for this torment. Together with the death of a child, a mother buries her heart, it is impossible to survive the death of a son, just as it is impossible to move a mountain. But suffering can be alleviated. You need to live your grief from beginning to end. It will be incredibly difficult, impossible to the point of being difficult, but nature itself has a natural mechanism for relieving tension from difficult circumstances. If you go through all the steps, it will become a little easier. So, through what stages does the one who survived the death of his son go through:

1. Sobs and tantrums.
2. Depression.
3. Mourning.
4. Parting.

More about stages

As for the stages of going through grief, at first the parents feel a shock, this state lasts from 1 to 3 days. During this period, people tend to deny what happened. They think there's been a mistake or some kind of bad dream. Some parents get stuck at this stage for years. As a result, they begin to experience serious mental disorders. For example, a mother whose one-year-old baby has died can walk in the park for many years, rocking a doll in a stroller.

Shortly after the shock and denial comes the stage of sobs and tantrums. Parents can scream until they are hoarse, and then fall into a state of complete emotional and physical exhaustion. This state lasts about a week, and then turns into depression. Tantrums happen less and less, but at the same time, anger, longing and a feeling of emptiness begin to grow in the soul.

After depression, mourning begins for parents. They often remember their child, scroll through the most bright moments from his life. The mental pain recedes for a while, but then rolls over again, I want to speak out or talk with someone about my son. This stage can last a very long time, but then the parents still say goodbye to their child and let him go. Heavy, emotional torment turns into a quiet and bright sadness. After such a tragedy, life will never be the same, but you need to live on. The only pity is that the optimistic speeches of acquaintances will not answer the question of how to help a mother survive the death of her son. Only after experiencing grief from beginning to end, you can feel some relief.

Creativity, sports, conversations

There is no cure for the pain of losing a child, but it can be curbed, dulled, and distracted. How do you get over the death of your son? You can start with something simple, like creativity. In honor of the deceased son, it would be nice to draw a picture, write a poem or start embroidering. Great distraction from thoughts physical exercise. The greater the load, the more they dull emotions.

You should not keep everything in yourself, you definitely need to talk with someone, it is best if it is a person who is in a similar situation, or was able to cope with his grief. Of course, it may be that there is no one to talk to, then you need to write about everything that worries you. Expressing your feelings in writing is much easier than in conversation, and besides, expressed, even if in this way, emotions will exert less pressure.

medical practice

In such matters, it is better to take the advice of a psychologist. Of course, they won’t teach you how to survive the death of your son, but they will help a little. First of all, you should contact a good specialist. This is especially true for those who are unable to cope with their experiences on their own. There is nothing shameful in going to a psychologist, this doctor can tell medications, which will slightly relieve emotional stress, improve sleep and overall well-being of the body. Also, the psychologist will write out several useful recommendations, selected individually for each patient.

You should not resort to the help of alcohol or drugs, and you do not need to independently prescribe serious drugs. These methods will not help you survive the death of your son, but will only aggravate the situation more.

Be sure to stick to the daily routine. Let through force, but you need to eat. You need to force yourself to go to bed at the same time. The right regimen helps to reduce the amount of stress hormones in the body.

Unspent love

There is another way to deal with grief. The death of a son, like a real curse, will hang like a black cloud over the heads of parents wherever they are. At one point, their world became empty, there was no one else to love, no one to give their care to, no one to pin their hopes on. People withdraw into themselves, stop communicating with others. They seem to boil in their own juice.

But man is not made to live alone. Everything that is in the life of each of us, we receive from other people, so you should not refuse help, you should not ignore the calls of friends and relatives, and you should leave the house at least once every few days. It seems to a person that his suffering is unbearable, time and earth have stopped, and nothing and no one else exists. But look around, have other people stopped suffering or dying?

law of psychology

The most difficult thing is to experience the death of adult children. At that moment, when it seems that life has not been lived in vain, suddenly the ground leaves from under the feet when they report the death of an adult son. The past years begin to seem meaningless, because everything was done for the sake of the child. So how do you get over the death of your only adult son? In psychology, there is a simple and understandable law: in order to reduce your own pain, you need to help another person.

If parents have lost their own child, this does not mean at all that no one else needs their care and love. There are many people, both children and adults, who need the help of others. People take care of their children not because they expect gratitude from them, but they do it for the sake of their future and the future of future generations. The care that dead children can no longer receive must be directed to others, otherwise it will turn to stone and kill its owner.

And while a person feels sorry for himself and suffers, somewhere, without waiting for help, another child will die. This is the most effective way, which will help to survive the death of an adult son. As soon as orphaned parents start helping those in need, they will feel much better. Yes, it will be difficult at first, but time will smooth out all the corners.

Very often, the death of a child makes parents feel guilty. Prevent tragedy, change history - they think they could do something. But be that as it may, it is not given to a person to predict the future and change the past.

Parents also believe that they no longer have the right to experience happiness after the death of a child. Any positive emotions are perceived as a betrayal. People stop smiling, day after day they do already learned manipulations to automatism, and in the evenings they just stare into the void. But it is wrong to doom yourself to eternal suffering. For a child, parents are the whole world. What would your child say if he saw his world crumble in his absence?

Reverence for the dead

You can express your respect for the deceased in other ways, without dooming yourself to eternal torment. For example, you can visit the grave more often, pray for the repose, make an album of happy photos, or collect all his homemade postcards together. During periods of longing, you need to remember only happy moments and thank you for having them.

On the second Sunday of December at seven in the evening, you need to put a candle on the windowsill. On this day, parents who have lost children unite in their grief. Each light makes it clear that the children lit up their lives and will forever remain in memory. And it is also a hope that grief is not eternal.

You can turn to religion for help. As practice shows, faith helps many to cope with grief. Orthodoxy says that a parent will be able to see his child after death. This promise is very encouraging for old parents. Buddhism says that souls are reborn, and surely in the next earthly life, mother and son will meet again. hope for new meeting does not allow the mother to break down or die prematurely.

True, there are those who turn away from faith. They do not understand why God took their child, when murderers and maniacs continue to roam the world. Fathers often tell a parable to heartbroken parents.

Parable

Once an old man's daughter died. She was very beautiful and young, the inconsolable parent simply could not find a place for herself. After the funeral, he came every day to Mount Ararat and asked God why he took his daughter, who could live for many more years.

For many months the old man left without an answer, and then one day God appeared before him and asked the old man to make him a staff, then he would answer his question. The old man went to the nearest grove, found a fallen branch and made a staff out of it, but as soon as he leaned on it, it broke. He had to look for stronger material. He saw a young tree, cut it down and made a staff, which turned out to be surprisingly strong.

The old man brought his work to God, he praised the staff and asked why he cut off a young tree that still had to grow and grow. The old man told everything, and then God said: “You yourself answered your questions. In order to lean on the staff and not fall, it is always made from young trees and branches. So in my kingdom I also need young, young and beautiful, who can be a support.

Children are the rays that illuminate our lives. With their arrival, we rethink a lot and learn a lot. But not everyone is destined to live happily ever after, you need to understand this and continue to live, keeping in your heart the joy that this child was once there.

How to get over the death of a son, a mother's story

I received an email from a grieving mother. Through the years, she managed to survive the death of her son, and now she is ready to support others in this grief.

My name is Valentina Romanovna. 53 years old, from Moscow.

Probably, I was able to survive the death of my son, but as soon as I talk about it, I begin to understand that this is impossible.

When death comes tragically, blinding shock, sobs and the need to organize a funeral “on strong pills” pierce you.

You are already experiencing the death of your son, being in a soulless, half-dead stupor.

I will say frankly that I had an only son, and my relatives supported me with all their might.

All gray-haired and aged in a moment, the spouse did not move a single step.

Girlfriends curled with ammonia, helping me survive the loss in silence.

It is impossible to find words, and only a few people are capable of it.

After the funeral of the son - 9 days. Wake.

I deny, I do not believe that this happened. Now the door will open, and the son will enter the room, and this terrible torment will end.

At this stage (9 days) it is simply impossible to realize that the son is already resting in the grave.

Everything reminds of him, and you are worried that you will not survive this grief.

As a mother, I was finished with despondency, went into the depths of my soul, gradually beginning to understand that these were not nightmare visions.

After nine days, my husband and I were left alone. They called us, continued to condole. Acquaintances often came, but I drove everyone away - this is our personal grief.

Put on, I wanted only one thing - to reunite with my beloved son as soon as possible.

I was sure that after his death, I would not last long. And this, oddly enough, gave me a mean and ruthless hope.

They say that it is necessary to throw out (take away from the eyes) all things that remind of the son.

My husband did just that, leaving photographs as a keepsake.

Consolation did not come, I lost the meaning of life, somewhere in my mind understanding that I was obliged to share this cross with my husband, who could hardly control himself.

Yes, I forgot to say when our son died, we were 33.

We sat in an embrace and comforted each other. They lived on the money of their parents. And it was even harder for them - the only grandson left forever.

On day 40, I felt that I “let go” quite a bit.

Probably, they really say that the soul flies to heaven, leaving loved ones and relatives.

I continued to worry, but it was already a slightly different stage of grief.

You can’t bring your son back, and I finally believed in it.

Only after that, my body (guardian angel / psyche) - I don’t know for sure, began to pull me “from the next world”.

I lost weight, got older and wrinkled. She began to “peck” a little - without appetite and pleasure.

My husband and I went to the cemetery, and then again I felt bad.

The experience of the death of my only son was given to me in “leaps”, and the healer was a merciless time.

It is able to cut the burrs from the soul, in some incomprehensible way to cross the sufferer with people who also experienced the loss of a child.

For about half a year I did not want anything, avoiding any desire.

When the feelings became a little dull, she began to go out into the street, answering questions with an unambiguous answer.

So a year has passed. I took an easy job, holding my son's death deep inside.

Two, three, four, twenty years...

The death of a son is unbearable. You don't live, you just go on living.

Images are erased from memory, spiritual wounds are healed, but grief still returns - unannounced and piercing.

Forgive me for talking.

But I still do not know how to survive the death of my beloved son.

Valentina Romanovna Kiel.

The material was prepared by me - Edwin Vostryakovsky.

Previous entries from the current section

Share the page on social networks

Number of reviews: 69

After what happened, my husband and I were left alone, really orphans.

Everyone left us: relatives, acquaintances, employees, it is generally inappropriate to talk about friends.

Everyone said that they were in shock, did not know what to tell us, and went to their calm, prosperous, happy life go about your business.

Our only son, who was 27 years old, died in an accident, or rather, his car was destroyed by MAZ, an hour was cut out of the MES car, then an hour was taken to the hospital, 8 hours of resuscitation, and Our decent, correct, honest, responsible child left ..

For a month there were not even tears, misunderstanding, not perception ...

We, always so independent, suddenly felt the need for people, but they were not around ...

I began to look around for others like me, those who had already experienced it ...

You can only talk to those who understand what a grief it is!

You wake up in the morning and it seems that you dreamed it, and then you realize that reality has not gone away.

You ask questions: WHY, FOR WHAT, HOW TO LIVE NOW?

There will be no children, no grandchildren - this is unnatural for human life!

More and more often the pain is overwhelmed, and more often you wash yourself with tears ...

Everything was for his son, and the psychiatrist said that you have to live your life. And in the church - love only God ...

They take the very best: the son died on the Trinity ...

I survived the loss of my only son.

And they gave me the same advice. I try to live my life, only this is not life, but a parody of it.

I don’t go to church anymore, because, in my opinion, “material gain” rules there.

It will be 3 years soon.

Nobody will give you advice.

You stayed with your husband, so there is someone to take care of.

I was left all alone.

As long as you live, the memory of your son lives.

The hour will come, and you will go to your son, I don’t know what it will be - a meeting in Heaven or nothing at all, but the fact that you will lie down with your son is for sure.

And the pain will not go away, it will only become less acute.

He was only 19 years old. And although everyone tells me that you are strong and you have to live on, I don’t have the strength to live.

I want to go to my beloved son, and no words will help here.

I also stopped going to church, and I only think about meeting my son.

Life is now behind glass.

I look around and don't understand what I'm doing here.

Why should I be here?

Neither work, nor friends, nor relatives help.

It was as if a door had slammed shut, behind which laughter, joy, happiness and pleasure from the small joys of life.

Life is over. Only fragments remained.

He was 24 years old.

All these years I lived with him, for him.

I can't live without him.

Yes, it turns out I'm not the only one, I'm 28 years old.

I'm slowly losing my mind too!

I'm slowly losing my mind too!

I beg you, hold on.

Even if I speak empty words.

For all sins, forgive me.

He was only 25 years old.

God! How painful and difficult!

No one will console - neither friends nor relatives.

I really understand everyone who wrote here.

It is impossible to survive, no time heals.

There is no more sense.

It makes no sense to clean things and a portrait, the child is constantly in the soul and in the heart.

I read your letter and choke in tears.

In August, my only son, Maxim, was killed, and all life lost its meaning!

It hurt so much that words can't describe...

I am one of those mothers who have lost their children.

I still can’t find the strength to start living on, even though I still have a daughter who has just turned 7 years old.

But since I brought them up almost all my life alone, for me my son was everything in this life.

And with the loss of it, I lost the meaning.

I can’t understand why God takes away children who had so many dreams and desires to live!?

Soon it will be 6 months, and I cry every day and do not find the answer: WHY!?

All of us strength and patience.

Why is something constantly knocking in the brain?

After all, it shouldn't be like that! It's the children who should bury their parents! How unfair!

There was no one and nothing left - just me and my pain!

I shudder at every sound, run to the door, open it to my son, but then the realization of reality comes, and I want to scream, tears roll in a hail, and then again the pain is so sharp and burning, and then - emptiness.

God, how is it? For what?

And so day after day, and there is no end to this pain!

Why is God taking children?

Be strong, support those who are drowning in this grief.

I beg you, live, and forgive me for touching your trouble with my awkward lines.

My message to God:

I want to know only one thing - will we meet there? And nothing more!

You know, I was also killed that I would never hear his voice and jokes again, I would not rejoice in victories.

The Lord takes the best, and I always knew that death is not the end ...

My son began to come to me in dreams.

First, in the form of his human image, only consisting of smoke or fog, then he came, accompanied by someone who looked like a monk with a scythe, kissed me, as if saying goodbye, and left for a bright spot - in a dark kingdom.

I then cried a lot and asked God not to erase his soul, to save it, and that no matter what form he was in, and no matter what world he ended up in, I would always love him and look forward to meeting him.

And today he again came to me in a dream - in the form of a warm, kind, green ball.

At first I didn’t understand that it was HE, but by the end of the dream I felt it with my soul, my heart (I can’t explain it in words), and I recognized HIM, and my soul brightened up, and there was joy that HE IS ALIVE.

I love him in this form too.

Yes, I don't care how it looks, our LOVE IS ETERNAL!

I want to support everyone.

Try to communicate with them through meditation and inner concentration.

I did it, and it became easier for me.

The main thing is that they are ALIVE, they are just different.

The Son himself told me so when he came to sleep. I told him: “Son, you died!?”, And he told me: “No, mom, I'm ALIVE, I'm just “DIFFERENT”.

I regard death as a long journey on which my son has gone, and on which I too, when my time comes, will go, and we will definitely meet him there.

It's been a year since I buried my son.

An epileptic attack - a stroke - a fracture of the base of the skull, 7 hours of surgery and 3 days of coma.

I already knew that he would not survive. She herself said: “It is Your Will, Lord!”

From infancy there was a fear that he would die, and I buried him in my sleep dozens of times.

Everyone said: "He will live long." And he lived for 38 years.

He carried me in his arms, he always felt sorry for me.

One dream: to hug him, and hear the usual words: “Don't worry, mommy!”.

What can happen to me now? I choke on tears.

I know that he is fine there, and I will definitely see him.

Thank God for everything!

Everyone turned away from us.

Thanks to my son's friends, they supported us as best they could.

How I survived, I didn’t go crazy, I don’t know.

This pain, longing, tears, they will never end.

Only one desire is to see your son, just hug.

I believe that I am alive, but in another dimension.

But what kind of "hellish hell" is it to stay here without him ...

I've been burning for 5 years now.

In October 2011, my son, aged 22, passed away.

And I want to tell you that this pain will never subside, and on the contrary, with time it only intensifies.

With thoughts of him, I fall asleep, wake up, and all day I think of only one thing.

There are moments when I can be distracted for an hour or two, and then it hits like a current.

I went to a psychologist, it did not help!

Since then, I haven’t communicated with my friends, as there were rumors that I had gone crazy, and I urgently needed to go to a mental hospital (they decided so because I was constantly crying).

The husband began to drink, and now there is nothing left of the happy family (in the past).

I realized what a cruel and unfair world, because my son was killed by drunken scoundrels.

Along with the heartache, anger and hatred settled in me. I don't show them, but they are there.

And also a sense of guilt for not saving her son.

He felt that he would soon be gone, and every day he told me about it.

I was scared to hear this, and I scolded him.

Now I understand that with these conversations he asked for help.

The heart is bursting with pain.

Finally, I would like to say: “People, love and take care of each other, especially the parents of children. There is no worse grief than the loss of a child, after which life is divided into before and after.

After, it is no longer life, but suffering.

Valentina Romanovna, 53 years old, I was just looking for that person who experienced grief, as I am experiencing now - Vita Nikolaevna, 49 years old.

I read your lines and see my similar grief there.

Just like yours, my only son, 21 years old, died at work.

My husband and I have been living together for 8 months now.

I want to find a person and communicate, mutually helping to survive, giving will and patience.

If you don't mind, we could chat.

Your love and pride for your child, his love for you, family is a great happiness.

It will be painful and difficult, but try not to upset your children.

Write, help others, do not close your soul.

It fell to us, it was impossible to change anything - such a period.

My son died 5 years ago. He was 23 years old.

They should be proud of us.

Get up and say thank you to them that we have them.

Children see you, live and surprise them.

He worked as a truck driver, drove home for a day and died.

I was not at home.

Maybe he could have been saved: they said he had a brain hemorrhage and cardiac arrest.

I can't live without it.

Why did it happen so?

He was so strong, all organs were healthy.

Well, how could he die?!

On September 26, 2016, the heart of my son Artyom stopped beating, but the worst thing is that we found out about it 11 days later - and all this time he was lying in the morgue, no one needed ... he was 28.

None of the hospital workers - while he was alive and the mortuary staff, when his son was already dead, did not even think of finding his relatives - he had a passport with him.

He was beaten, severely, on the head ... on his way to work on a shift.

And he was lying on a cold iron shelf in the morgue ...

I don't know why to live, for what - I have it only child, everything was for him, his future family, grandchildren ...

Some scum-drug addicts have deprived me of everything.

Despair, anger at people, pain - these are the feelings that remain.

As I understand you.

I don't live, I exist.

Because I don't believe he's gone.

The door will open and my son will come in.

I STILL ALONE.

Everyone thinks: when will I come to him?

It's very hard to live...

She hugged him, lying in a pool of blood - already lifeless, and even this was a consolation - to caress him, support him.

He himself did not expect this. Didn't mean to die. We were very close to him. Proud of him.

I always believed that there is no death with the Lord. And now I don’t feel anything at all and I don’t understand ...

And of course, no one cares about our lives, people cannot even imagine such a horror that we are experiencing, and instinctively move away.

This is our personal maternal grief, our hardest cross.

Perhaps we will become cleaner, kinder.

After all, nothing will console except the hope of meeting THERE ...

And they say the truth, that when you cry often, then you fill it with your tears there?

I sob every day. I sleep badly at night.

Everyone thinks, how is he alone there?

After all, my son was only 19 years old. So young and handsome.

And even now I will never have grandchildren like him.

And I'm so lonely. No one to talk to about this.

Only photographs remain.

And so you want to hug and kiss your own child.

Where can you find solace?

Moms, dear, reading your bitter, insanely bitter stories, I can’t stop crying.

Your every sigh, every phrase resonates in the heart.

Only by losing her only son, her only hope, can one understand all the horror, all the nightmare that is going on in the soul of an orphaned mother.

On May 28, 2015, a capable, intelligent, beloved, educated, wonderful son who took place in life died. My pride, my life, my breath. Now he is gone.

As early as April 4, he came to visit us - a handsome, strong, remarkably built, energetic person.

And on April 12, on the Easter holiday, his back hurt, on the 13th he was hospitalized in the Botkin hospital with a very poor performance blood: low hemoglobin and platelets.

They took a puncture of the spinal cord, did an MRI and made a diagnosis: stage 4 stomach cancer with metastases in the spinal cord, bones, lymph nodes ...

And after a month and a half, my child was gone, every hour my boy became weaker and weaker, the damned disease simply sucked all the strength out of him, and he died in my arms.

Questions for what, why, how and why to live now, drill the brain from morning to evening and from night to morning. Lost the meaning of life.

Such melancholy, such blackness around, and nothing to cling to.

They buried my son on Trinity.

In seven monasteries and in very many Temples the Sorokousts read about his health. Prayed, asked, hoped...

A year and seven and a half months have passed since my boy was gone.

The tears don't dry up, the pain doesn't subside. My husband and I are alone. Everyone has left us. As if they are afraid of contracting grief. We are outcasts.

I go to the Temple on Saturdays, and there I only cry.

My child so wanted to live. He helped people a lot. Why is it so!?

They take the best, brightest. BUT WHY.

How to get over the death of your only son

It is very scary to experience the death of your own child. Children should bury their parents, but not vice versa. A person with whom such grief has happened is often left alone with his grief. Yes, acquaintances and relatives try to cheer up, but talk about death is bypassed. Moral support is dispensed with only words like “strength”, “hold on”, etc. Therefore, now we will talk about how to survive the death of an only son. Such knowledge will help a person who has experienced terrible tragedy because our ancestors knew them.

1. In a distant time, when medicine had not yet developed, such grief happened in families quite often. Therefore, people developed a pragmatic approach and determined the stages of the tragedy experienced by the relatives of the deceased. It is necessary to know these stages of grief in order to constantly control the state of your soul. So you can understand in time if you are stuck in one of them for a long time, so that in this case you can turn to professionals for help.
2. The first stage is always numbness and shock, when you can’t believe in the loss and don’t want to accept it. People behave differently at this stage - someone freezes from grief, someone tries to forget himself in reassuring relatives and organizing funerals and commemorations. A person does not understand well what is happening, where he is and what he is doing. In this case, sedative tinctures, antidepressants and massage help. You can’t be alone, you need to cry to release grief, to relieve the soul. This stage lasts approximately nine days.
3. Up to forty days there is a stage of denial. On it, a person is already aware of his loss, but his consciousness has not yet come to terms with what happened. Very often at this stage, people see the voice or steps of the deceased. If a person is dreaming, then you need to talk to him in a dream and ask him to come to you. It is necessary to talk about the deceased son with relatives, to remember him. Frequent tears during this period are normal, but you can’t cry around the clock. It is necessary to consult a psychologist if the stage of denial continues for a very long time.
4. In the next six months after the death of your son, awareness and acceptance of this loss and pain should come to you. The pain may wax and wane from time to time. It happens that a crisis occurs when parents begin to blame themselves for not saving. Aggression during this period can also be transferred to other people: to doctors, the state or the son's friends. Such feelings are quite normal, the main thing is that the aggression does not drag on, and they are not dominant.
5. The year after death is usually easier in terms of experiences. But crises can occur. If by this time you have learned to manage your grief, then you will not be afraid of such strong feelings as on the day of the tragedy.

At the end of the second year, the soul of the mourner usually calms down. But this does not mean that your grief is forgotten, you just learned to live with it. Knowing how to get through the death of your only son will help you move on with your future in mind.

How to recover and return to life after the death of a son?

For parents, there is nothing worse than burying their own children. How to survive the death of a son, to pass such a test? Not everyone has the ability to take matters into their own hands. There are cases when people fell into depression, lost interest in life for many years.

Pain of loss

The loss of a loved one, a son is a great test. Such a loss does not leave anything alive in a person. Accept the fact that life will never be the same again. Tears, regrets - this is a normal expression of grief. However, a person is able to survive grief and cope with difficulties. The first time will be very hard, but life goes on. It is necessary to realize this.

During this period, a person can experience a wide variety of feelings: fear, regret, anger, resentment, denial of the tragedy. All this is natural for parents after the death of a child. You can’t say that yearning and crying is bad. Everything has to come out. You have to cry if you want. Giving vent to feelings, you can help yourself cope with the shock after death dear person. It is important to accept what happened. It is clear that at first this is impossible, however, if you constantly deny that the son will not return, then life will become painful and unbearable.

Each person has his own character. Someone is able to survive the loss of a child in a short time, someone needs years for this. Until recently, psychologists believed that after the death of a loved one, a relative goes through 5 stages: shock, denial, awareness, acceptance, reassurance. However, these days, almost every psychologist will say that this theory is not entirely true. It is impossible to divide suffering into stages, because during this period a person experiences a number of feelings and emotions. They can be repeated, replaced by others. Over time, the person calms down. How do couples cope with the death of their only child? Each person perceives grief and experiences it in their own way.

How to help yourself?

The first days are very difficult. Psychologists give useful advice: to protect yourself from experiences as much as possible. The fact is that a person often feels numb, as if everything around him has stopped, and time has slowed down. Sometimes reality is mixed with a dream, familiar people, things, work, activities no longer bring any joy. The feeling that everything is passing by can last for a long time. This condition usually goes away after a few years.

A psychologist, having studied the problem, may advise taking a vacation, returning to work, doing what you love.

This only works if the person is mentally prepared to do something to distract themselves. Working during a period of deep grief after the death of a child can only be a burden. A person should have time to cry, to grieve for as long as it takes.

Temporarily it is necessary to abandon important matters: real estate sales, large purchases, sudden changes. All actions that require caution and deliberate decisions must wait. It is necessary that everything more or less fall into place and the state of stupor and clouding of consciousness pass. You just need to control yourself.

They say that time heals. Many consider this phrase a meaningless blank, which is said only to cheer up. In fact, there is some truth in it. Sooner or later, a person returns to normal life. It is necessary to give time the opportunity to dispel the fog of sorrow. At first, even the brightest memories of the departed son will hurt. It is important to remember that even great grief won't be forever. It is necessary to smile, try to be happy, enjoy your favorite business or pleasant little things. This behavior does not mean that parents forget their child. It is never possible to forget.

Often parents begin to blame themselves after the death of their son that they could not save him. You can't do that. There are many things in life that cannot be prevented. It is very important to stop beating yourself up. If you do not stop in time, grief will not let go for many years.

Normal sleep helps to recover as soon as possible. The first time after the tragedy it will be hard to sleep. Although some parents, after the death of a child, can fall asleep for a whole day, or even more. But more common are cases when a person scurries around the house at night or watches TV thoughtlessly. The death of an only son is destruction for the soul. Experts give advice: you need to go to bed whenever the desire appears. The body must recuperate. When there are problems with sleep, herbal tea, soothing infusions, a warm bath will help.

Eating well is hard. Appetite may be absent for a very long time, but you need to force yourself to eat little by little. A well-fed body tolerates stress more easily, and it will be a little easier to start daily activities. You need to eat simple food so that cooking does not take much time. When possible, it is better to order ready-made healthy food at home. The drinking regimen is also important. Water, soothing tea, freshly squeezed juices will save you from dehydration, exhaustion, and poor health.

The temptation to drown the pain with alcohol or drugs is very high during this period. However, this will lead to even more severe depression and the consequences that follow from it. It is allowed to take only medicines prescribed by a doctor, but not alcohol.

The advice of a qualified psychotherapist will help in especially severe cases. The specialist will develop a program of adaptation and return of a person to normal life. Many cities also have group sessions attended by survivors of child deaths. It is much easier to communicate with those who can understand the accumulated suffering. Most best advice Only those who have experienced a similar situation will give.

Topic summary

Losing a child is the worst thing a parent can experience. It seems that the whole world has lost its colors. However, it must be remembered that help may be very close. It is important not to bring yourself to deep depression and not drown what happened in alcohol. Those who seek support will always find it. Over time, grief will be replaced by a bright memory of the dearest person.

The death of a child is a loss that leaves nothing alive in you. You mourn your loss and the future that could have been. Your life will never be the same, but it doesn't stop. You will be able to cope with grief and look at the world differently.

1. Help yourself through grief

Acknowledge all your feelings and emotions.

You can experience a variety of feelings: anger, guilt, denial, bitterness, fear - all this is natural for a person who has lost a child. None of these feelings are wrong or superfluous. If you feel like crying, cry. Allow yourself to indulge in feelings. If you keep all the emotions inside, you will have a harder time dealing with the grief that happened to you. Let your feelings out because it will help you come to terms with what happened. Of course, you will not be able to immediately forget about everything, but you can find the strength in yourself to cope with the death of a child. If you deny your feelings, you will not be able to move on.

Forget about deadlines.

You don't have to stop grieving after any specific amount of time. All people are different. Their emotions in difficult times may be similar, but each parent experiences grief in their own way, because it all depends on the nature of the person and his life circumstances.

For a long time the concept of accepting grief, based on the five stages, was the main one. It was believed that a person begins with denial and ends with acceptance. However modern science believes that there can be no steps in accepting grief, because people experience a whole range of feelings at the same time. These feelings leave, return, then leave again, and in the end the person is freed from this burden. The results of recent studies have shown that many people immediately accept the death of a loved one and experience grief for the departed person, rather than anger and depression.

Since everyone experiences grief in different ways, spouses often stop understanding each other. Understand that your spouse may deal with adversity differently than you, and give him or her the opportunity to experience it the way he or she can.

Don't worry if you feel numb.

In difficult times, many people feel that everything seems to have stopped. Reality is confused with a dream, and a person does not understand why everything passes him by. People and things that used to please, do not cause any emotions. This condition may pass, or it may remain for a while. This is how the body tries to protect itself from the emotions that overwhelm a person. Over time, all the old feelings will return.

For many people, the numbness goes away after the first anniversary of death, and then everything gets worse, because then the person realizes that all this is not a dream. Parents often say that the second year after death is the most difficult.

Take a vacation.

Or don't take it.

For some, the thought of returning to work is unbearable, but for others, they prefer to do something to distract themselves. Consider how your leadership will perceive this before making a decision. Sometimes companies give employees days off for the very first days or offer to take a vacation at their own expense.

Don't let the feeling that you're letting your company down force you to return to work before you're ready. Experts have calculated that companies lose up to $225 billion annually due to reduced worker productivity as a result of personal grief. When a loved one dies, we lose our ability to concentrate. The brain is simply not able to work when the heart is suffering.

Turn to your faith.

If you belong to a particular religion, ask them for help. Know that the death of a child can destroy your faith, and that's okay. In time, you may realize that you are ready to return to religion again.

Temporarily don't make any decisions.

Wait at least a year before making any major decision. Don't sell your home, don't move, don't get divorced, and don't change your life too abruptly. Wait until the fog clears, and then you will see what prospects you have.

Do not make impulsive decisions in everyday life.

Some people constantly think that life is short, and therefore take unnecessary risks just to get the most out of life. Control your behavior and do not allow yourself to participate in something dangerous.

Let time do its thing.
The phrase "time heals" may seem like a meaningless cliche to you, but you will actually return to normal life sooner or later. At first, memories, even the best ones, will hurt you, but gradually everything will change and you will begin to appreciate all these moments. You will smile at your memories and enjoy them. Grief is like a stormy sea or a roller coaster.

Know that you may not feel pain all the time. Smile, laugh, enjoy life. This does not mean that you forget your child - it is simply impossible.

2. Take care of yourself

Don't blame yourself.

Your first impulse may be to blame yourself for what happened, but you should suppress it. There are moments in life that you cannot control. If you reproach yourself for what you could or should have done, you will not be able to recover from grief for a long time.

Get enough sleep.

Many parents only want to sleep all day. Others walk restlessly around the room at night or stare thoughtlessly at the TV screen. The death of a child has a devastating effect on the body. Grief has been scientifically proven to have the same impact as severe physical trauma, so you need to get enough sleep. Go to bed whenever you feel like it. If you can't sleep, taking a bath, drinking herbal tea, doing relaxation exercises will all help.

Don't forget about food.

Often in the first days after death, relatives and friends bring food to parents so that they do not have to cook. Try to eat at least a little every day so that you have strength. It is very difficult to cope with negative emotions and go about your usual activities if you are physically very weak. Sooner or later you will return to cooking. Keep it simple: roast a chicken in the oven or make a large pot of soup that will last a few times. Order healthy food to take home.

Drink water.

Try to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day, whether you can eat or not. Drink a soothing tea or carry a refillable water bottle with you. Dehydration drains the body, and now you need strength.

Do not abuse alcohol or take drugs.

Your desire to drown out the pain and thoughts of the death of a child is understandable, but an excess of drugs and alcohol will only increase depression and create a number of new problems.

Some people resort to sleeping pills, sedatives and antidepressants, but there are a lot of such drugs, and finding the one that is right for you is quite difficult, so you should consult your doctor. Ask your doctor to choose the drugs for you and prescribe the course of admission.

Reevaluate relationships if they hurt you.

Often friends stop talking at such moments. Some do not know what to say, and others do not want to be reminded that each of our children can die. If your friends say you need to get ready and are trying to rush you, explain to them what you want to talk about and what you don't. You can even stop communicating with those who are trying to tell you how to behave if you feel it is necessary.

3. Honor the memory of the child

Have an evening in memory of the child.

A few weeks after the funeral, or at any other time you see fit, invite friends and loved ones to a lunch or dinner in honor of the child. Let everyone share good memories on this day. Invite people to talk about dead son or daughter and share photos. You can hold a meeting at home or in any place that your child liked: in the park, on the playground, in the forest.

Create a web page.

There are online services that allow you to post photos and videos on the Internet along with text. You can create a Facebook page with restricted access so that only close family and friends can access it.

Make an album.

Collect photos of the child, drawings, notes and decorate an album with them. Accompany each photo with a description or story associated with it. This album will come in handy when you want to feel closer to your child. It will also help younger children get to know their brother or sister better.

Make a donation.

Donate money to an organization related to what your child is attracted to and interested in. You can take the money to the library where he borrowed a book and ask him to buy some literature in his memory.

Organize a charity event.

Invite friends, family and acquaintances to help you raise money and donate to someone who needs it. Each of the participants will feel the significance of their contribution to the common cause.

Become an activist.

Perhaps the circumstances of your child's death may prompt you to participate in social activities aimed at drawing attention to a particular problem or changing existing legislation. For example, if your child was killed by a drunk driver, you may want to get tougher penalties for such violations.

Look for inspirational examples.

For example, an ordinary American, John Walsh, after his six-year-old son was killed, began to sponsor organizations that fight to tighten responsibility for crimes against children, and became the host of a television program dedicated to the search for dangerous criminals.

Light the candles.

On October 15, the world celebrates the day of remembrance for dead babies and unborn children. At 7 pm, people around the world light a candle and let it burn for at least an hour. Due to the fact that everyone lights candles in different time in different time zones, the world seems to be covered by a wave of light.

Celebrate your child's birthdays if that feels right to you.

This may increase the pain at first, and you may decide to just go about your business all day. On the other hand, many parents find comfort in such a tradition. There are no rules here: if on your child's birthday you feel calmer from thinking about how wonderful he was, feel free to arrange a holiday.

4. Ask for help

Sign up for a psychotherapist.

A good psychotherapist can help, especially if he specializes in such cases. Look for a smart specialist in your city. Before you decide to go to him for therapy sessions, talk to him on the phone. Ask about his experience of working with people like you, whether he will talk about religion (you may or may not want to), find out the cost of services and possible session times. You may have experienced PTSD under the circumstances of your child's death, in which case you should contact a professional with experience working with such clients.

Attend group meetings.

You will know that you are not alone in experiencing such feelings and that others are also going through the same grief, and this will help you become calmer. You will be able to tell your story in a calm and friendly environment, get out of isolation and connect with people who understand each other's emotions.

Try to look for such groups in your city. Your therapist may be able to give you some advice.

Register for an online forum.

There are many forums dedicated to supporting people who have lost a loved one, but they may have their own specifics: for example, one may talk about the death of a spouse or wife, and another about the death of a brother or sister. Find exactly what suits you.

Do not set yourself a time frame for returning to your old life. Years may pass before you begin to live as usual, and this life will be different, new. You may never feel the same again, but that doesn't mean that such a life will be bad. It will change, because the love for the child will always be with you, and you will forever remain in his memory.

If you are a believer, pray as often as possible.

Know that no one can truly understand you until they are in a similar situation. Explain to loved ones how they can help you and ask them to respect your feelings.

Try not to get upset over the little things. As someone who has lost a child, you know that few things can compare to this grief. Try to remind yourself of the power you have gained. If you can survive the death of a son or daughter, you can survive anything.

(Site materials: http://ru.wikihow.com)

Image Your children all went to heaven. There can be no doubt about this. And if they had remained alive, then confidence in this could not have taken place ... Thus, you see that the Lord delivers you by the real bright participation of children from meeting their worst and irreparable fate.
Saint Theophan, the Hermit Vyshensky (1815-1894).

Image If God takes young men to Himself, then, apparently, He takes them in time: it is clear that they are already ripe enough for eternity, and the Lord takes them, but not malice will change their mind, or flattery will deceive their soul; and if they were not yet ripe, they would have been incomparably worse for heaven if they had remained longer on earth. And in general, where to set the limit of life for people who are kind to the heart? Only our cold mind sometimes decides, and then indecisively, whom death abducts at the right time, whom at the wrong time, and our poor heart does not know the calculations of the mind: if only the person abducted by death is kind to him, it equally mourns and weeps for him, whether at the dawn of his days, at the noon of his life, or at the very sunset, he left the light... No, it is terrible to grumble against Providence, but it is useless to grumble against ourselves.
Bishop Hermogenes (Dobronravin) (XIX century).

Image ... Whoever endured sorrow and thanked God received a martyr's crown. If, for example, a child hurts, and the mother thanks God, this is her crown. Is not her sorrow worse than any torture? However, she did not force her to say a cruel word. The child dies - the mother again thanks God. She became Abraham's daughter...

Image... Or have you lost your son? Not lost; do not speak like that... Do not irritate God, but propitiate Him; if you endure generously, then there will be some consolation for both the deceased and you; if not, then you will anger God even more, just as if, seeing that the master punishes the slave, you became angry with him, you would irritate him even more against yourself. Do not do so, but give thanks to God that in this way the cloud of your sorrow will be dispelled; say like the blessed Job: The Lord has given, the Lord has been taken away (Job 1:21); imagine how many who pleased God more than you did not even have children at all and were not called fathers. And I, you say, would not want to have them; because it is better not to experience pleasure than, having experienced it, to lose it. No, I admonish you, do not say this, do not irritate the Lord; but give thanks also for what you have received, bless also for what you have not kept to the end. Job did not say: it would be better not to have, as you say, ungrateful, but he gave thanks for this: the Lord gave, and for this he blessed: the Lord is taken away; May the name of the Lord be blessed forever. And to the wife, blocking her mouth and admonishing her, he said such wonderful words: if we receive good things from the hand of the Lord, shall we not endure the evil ones (2, 10)?
Saint John Chrysostom (IV-V century).

Image ... Due to human weakness, it is impossible not to mourn the mother at all about the deprivation of children. But as a Christian, you must moderate this sorrow with the Christian hope that your daughter will receive great mercy from the King of Heaven, in His heavenly and endless Kingdom; for she is rapt from life at a very young age, without experiencing any of the temptations of the world.
Image In the life of Saints Andronicus and Athanasius it is said that no one with such boldness asks the Lord for retribution, like children, saying this: "Lord, You have deprived us of earthly blessings, do not deprive us of heaven." Occupy, princess, often your mind with such reflections, and then your mournful spirit will receive spiritual consolation through this.

Image It is impossible ... not to grieve, not to complain, not to be sad for parents who so unexpectedly lost their only child. But after all, we are not pagans, who have no hope regarding the future life, but Christians, who have a comforting consolation even beyond the grave, regarding the receipt of future eternal blessedness. With this joyful thought you should moderate your sorrow, satisfy your great sadness, that although you have lost your son for a while, you can see him again in the future life, you can unite with him so that you will never be parted from him. It is only necessary to take decent measures for this: 1) commemorate the soul of M. at the Bloodless Sacrifice, at the reading of the Psalter and in your home prayers; 2) about his soul to create and feasible alms.
Rev. Ambrose of Optina (1812-1891).

Image They say: “How can it be that the soul, tormented by disasters and as if wounded by a feeling of sorrows, does not indulge in tears and tears, but what is really hateful, gives thanks for that, as for good? For how can I give thanks when I endure what an enemy might wish me? The offspring is prematurely stolen, and the mother, who is sick of her beloved, is tormented by diseases that are the most severe of the previous birth pangs; how can she, leaving weeping, turn to words of thanksgiving?
Image Is it possible? It is possible, if you consider that the nearest Father, the most intelligent Guardian and Builder of life, is God to the child born by her. Why, then, do we not allow the reasonable Lord to dispose of His property as He pleases, but we are annoyed, as if deprived of property, and we pity the dying, as if they were offended? And you argue that the offspring did not die, but was given back ...

May the commandment of God live with you inseparably, unceasingly imparting to you, as it were, some light and illumination for judging things. She, having in advance assumed supervision over your soul and having prepared in it true opinions about every thing, will not allow you to change from something that happens to you, but will do what with a pre-prepared thought, like a cliff located near the sea, it is safe and steadfastly endure the blows strong winds and waves. Why didn’t you get used to thinking about a mortal in a mortal way, but accepted the death of a child as something unexpected? When for the first time you were informed about the birth of your son, then, if someone asked you: what was born? – what would you answer? Would he say anything else, or that a man was born? And if a man, then, of course, a mortal? What is so unusual about this, if a mortal has died? Do you see the sun rising and setting? Do you not see that the moon waxes and then wanes, that the earth becomes green, then fades? What is constant around us? What is by nature immovable and unchanging? Raise your eyes to the sky, look to the earth: and they are not eternal. For it is said: heaven and earth will pass away: the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light, and the stars will fall from heaven (Mt. 24, 35, 29). Is it any wonder if we, being a part of the world, experience what is characteristic of the world?
Saint Basil the Great (330-379).

Image Cheer up, lady, take heart; time to be comforted; open your ears and listen to divine sayings: a man is like grass, his days are like a wild flower, so he fades (Ps. 102, 15). What kind of person will live and not see death (Ps. 88, 49)? For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, then God will also bring those who die in Jesus with Him (1 Thess. 4:14). So, we have not completely lost our son, but after a little while, when the last trumpet sounds, he will rise to meet the Lord in the air (1 Thess. 4:17), and there we will see him.
Image He is here struck with a mortal blow, but there he will not experience eternal sorrow, as he put on Christ in Baptism, containing Orthodox faith and not yet satisfied with the local amenities, tasting them as if with the tip of a finger in his youth ...

How much anger, mistress, would he endure, remaining in the flesh? Don't you think that this life is a test for a man? Wife, children, an abundance of slaves and other necessities for life, in addition, and earthly glory - that was what lay ahead of him. Having got rid of all this and having only slightly wetted the soul with the bitter waves of life, he will have great freedom of the soul, having united with God.
Image Thus, mistress, put aside, leave inconsolable grief, put an appropriate limit to suffering: offer God a sacrifice of praise, confession (Ps. 49, 14). Say with blessed Job: The Lord gave, the Lord took away; as it was pleasing to the Lord, so it was (Job 1:21); repeat the words of David: return, my soul, to your rest (Ps. 114:6). For the death of a son is your soul. Looking at your widowhood, exclaim: The Lord is my helper, and I will not be afraid: what a man will do to me (Ps. 117, 6).
Image Thus setting yourself up, you, firstly, will please God, as if voluntarily sacrificing your son, like Abraham, then you will deliver the greatest blessing to the most beloved son when he sees that you endure this with gratitude. By this you and all others will present an example of good patience in Christ Jesus our Lord, whom we pray that He, touching your heart with mercy and bounty (Ps. 102, 4), will produce in you a light of comfort and give you a peaceful life, and at the end here a charitable life has vouchsafed you a meeting with your son and eternal joy with him.

Image Turn, I convince you, the gaze of your mind on what is happening in the universe, look at the ancient generations, at our forefather Adam himself, look and think: who, having come into the world, remained in this age, and did not fade and was not dried up by death soon, like growing grass?
Image Real life- some specific service and one-day work, and then immediately - return home, I mean the transition from here to there. Patriarchs have been and gone, prophets have been and gone; fathers and mothers have been and gone; brothers, friends and relatives have been and gone. What about kings? What are nobles? What are bosses? What is every age and the whole human race? Have not all gone into the earth, or will they go after some time, as those who came out of the earth?
Image But this is what is needed: so that, having worked well here and having spent our lives in accordance with the will of the Creator God, we would be uncondemned, facing the most terrible Judgment there, which your son faithfully and undoubtedly achieved and was honored with. For blessed, they say, is that of those born of women who lived little and whom the Lord chose and took to Himself at the first age, who did not experience the bitter sins of this life ...

From here we wish you to draw means of consolation, from here - peace. Be a source of joy and a doctor not only for yourself, but also for the Lady of Spafaria, who especially needs healing and consolation, because she is little used to patience, and then also for others close to you, so that you appear knowledgeable in Divine things, and those who act according to the law of God and know where the deceased, especially your most beloved son, has gone: not to death, not to non-existence, but to eternal life and to God, who created everything; and to show the fathers, and acquaintances, and those gathered for the funeral, a fine example of how to endure the loss of children with gratitude and humility and not oppose God's commands.
Venerable Theodore the Studite († 826).

Your grief is great, your sorrow is immeasurable, your loss is irreparable. I know my heart is breaking into pieces. And ordinary death, which separates us from our relatives, is hard. How much harder must it be for your heart to be separated from your dear, good Vassenka, wrested from you by such death. It's hard, it hurts, it's scary, it's bitter! But in this bitterness there is sweetness, my dear, beloved and dear children in the Lord, in your burden there is lightness, in grief and sorrow - joy and consolation. This is where it is consolation, joy, lightness and sweetness. Vasya, with all his good external qualities, was good and in his soul, as they say, not yet a spoiled boy. Therefore, the flower is fresh, unfaded, fragrant, blooming, beautiful. And what does a gardener do when a rare, expensive flower blooms in his garden, in view of the coming cold weather, raw, rotten? Does he not take this tender flower and transplant it into a warm, bright greenhouse, so that his flower does not fade completely? So exactly did the Great Gardener - the Lord with a sweet, good flower Vasenka. He, the omniscient, knew that this young flower was waiting ahead for adversity, bad weather, storms and whirlwinds, thunder and lightning, rain and downpours, rotten autumn ... harsh, cold, frosty winter. The flower will wither, fade ... perish forever. “No,” said the great Gardener, the All-Wise Lord, “I will not let My young flower wither, autumn will not touch him with its rottenness, winter will not kill him with its coldness, storms and whirlwinds will not carry him away ... No, I will take him, tear him out of this sinful land, I will transplant it into My heavenly greenhouse, where there is no longer any bad weather, no storms, no whirlwinds, no damp autumn, no cold winter, where the sun shines forever - Christ Himself, where eternal spring, eternal Easter, eternal Christ is Risen. Both speech and bysha.
Holy martyr. Seraphim (Zvezdinsky), bishop. Dmitrovsky (1883–c. 1937).

Archimandrite John (Krestyankin) (1910-2006).

Image Do you know how many mothers pray and ask that their children live with God! “I don’t know what You will do, my God,” these women say, “I want my child to be saved, to be with You.” However, if God sees that the child is going astray, that he is heading for destruction and there is no other way to save him, He takes him to Himself by an unexpected death. For example, He allows a drunk driver to run over a child and thus takes him to Himself. If there was an opportunity for a child to become better, then God would prevent an accident from happening. Then the hops disappear from the head of the one who knocked down the child. A person comes to his senses and his conscience torments him for the rest of his life. “I committed a crime,” such a person says and constantly asks God to forgive him. Thus this person is also saved. And the mother of the deceased child, suffering from mental pain, begins to live more collectedly, thinks about death and prepares for another life. That is how she is saved. Do you see how God arranges for the prayers of the mother so that human souls are saved?
Elder Paisius Svyatogorets (1924-1994).

Through the years, she managed to survive the death of her son, and now she is ready to support others in this grief.

My name is Valentina Romanovna. 53 years old, from Moscow.

Probably, I was able to survive the death of my son, but as soon as I talk about it, I begin to understand that this is impossible.
When death comes tragically, blinding shock, sobs and the need to organize a funeral “on strong pills” pierce you.

You are already experiencing the death of your son, being in a soulless, half-dead stupor.
I will say frankly that I had an only son, and my relatives supported me with all their might.
All gray-haired and aged in a moment, the spouse did not move a single step. Girlfriends curled with ammonia, helping me survive the loss in silence.

It is impossible to find words, and only a few people are capable of it.

After the funeral of the son - 9 days. Wake.
I deny, I do not believe that this happened. Now the door will open, and the son will enter the room, and this terrible torment will end.

At this stage (9 days) it is simply impossible to realize that the son is already resting in the grave.
Everything reminds of him, and you are worried that you will not survive this grief. As a mother, I was finished with despondency, went into the depths of my soul, gradually beginning to understand that these were not nightmare visions. After nine days, my husband and I were left alone. They called us, continued to condole. Acquaintances often came, but I drove everyone away - this is our personal grief.

On the 10-30th day, I wanted only one thing - to reunite with my beloved son as soon as possible.

I was sure that after his death, I would not last long. And this, oddly enough, gave me a mean and ruthless hope.
They say that it is necessary to throw out (take away from the eyes) all things that remind of the son.
My husband did just that, leaving photographs as a keepsake.
Consolation did not come, I lost the meaning of life, somewhere in my mind understanding that I was obliged to share this cross with my husband, who could hardly control himself. Yes, I forgot to say when our son died, we were 33.

We sat in an embrace and comforted each other. They lived on the money of their parents. And it was even harder for them - the only grandson left forever. On day 40, I felt that I “let go” quite a bit.
Probably, they really say that the soul flies to heaven, leaving loved ones and relatives. I continued to worry, but it was already a slightly different stage of grief.

You can’t bring your son back, and I finally believed in it.
Only after that, my body (guardian angel / psyche) - I don’t know for sure, began to pull me “from the next world”.
I lost weight, got older and wrinkled. I began to “peck” a little - without appetite and pleasure. My husband and I went to the cemetery, and then again I felt bad.

The experience of the death of my only son was given to me in “leaps”, and the healer was a merciless time.
It is able to cut the burrs from the soul, in some incomprehensible way to cross the sufferer with people who also experienced the loss of a child.
For about half a year I did not want anything, avoiding any desire.
When the feelings became a little dull, she began to go out into the street, answering questions with an unambiguous answer.
So a year has passed. I took an easy job, holding my son's death deep inside.

Two, three, four, twenty years...
The death of a son is unbearable. You don't live, you just go on living. Images are erased from memory, spiritual wounds are healed, but grief still returns - unannounced and piercing.