Teenage daughter does not want to study. Why does an adult daughter not want to work?

If adult children refuse to work, psychologists say that it is adults, specifically parents, who are to a greater or lesser extent to blame. It is their excessive guardianship, blind love for the child that leads to the fact that the child becomes unable to provide for himself on his own. What to do if an adult daughter does not want to work?

What is the root of evil

Parents try to protect their children from most moral and financial problems from childhood. When children grow up, start families, dad and mom continue their charitable work. They help the offspring with the housework, solve a lot of small issues, take on some of the responsibilities for raising grandchildren.

Caring parents first intensively educate the child, first at school, then at the institute. The grown up, matured offspring, under patronage, are arranged for a warm place, solving his housing problem along the way. After that, the completely relaxed child hangs a soul mate, the fruits of his love, on the reinforced concrete shoulders of his parents. This endless story continues as long as dad and mom are physically and mentally able to carry the load.

If an adult daughter does not want to work, she can stay in her parents' house, even when she reaches adulthood. She does not know that it could be somehow different. The grown-up woman in her soul remained a little helpless girl, for whom her parents decided all the issues. She does not know what an independent life is, she is afraid of it, she experiences a panic fear of problems.

Often children do not know what to do when they are left alone with their own problems. The daughter does not want to work because she is convinced that she cannot do it. It seems to her that bosses everywhere are too demanding, employees are too quarrelsome, salaries are small and how to live is completely incomprehensible. The girl feels good in her parents' house, especially if her parents can provide her with a decent existence. Often the only way out for her is to wait for the prince, to whom her parents will give her up for maintenance. Well, yes, everyone wants a prince ...

Mom and dad are often to blame for the fact that their daughter or son does not know how to earn money to provide for themselves. An adult daughter does not want to work, because she has developed a stable psychology of a freeloader, a drone. The mischievous woman knows that if she rolls her eyes, smiles sweetly, whimpers, any amount will be in her palm with a wave of a magic wand. Well, why work, please tell me?

Is there an answer to the question: what to do?

First of all, parents themselves must understand that their child is an adult who is able to be responsible for his actions. The demand for any wrong action should be as from an adult. Mom and dad should reconsider their financial policy. If before that the daughter replenished her budget exclusively from the pocket of her parents, it is worth tightening the flow a little, cutting off her unearned income.

If an adult daughter does not want to work, but at the same time continues to live under the same roof with her parents, it is worth giving her part of the household duties. Let him help as much as he can. Just do not interfere with how she manages to achieve certain results. Let her fill her own, albeit small "bumps". She will remember them for the rest of her life, and she will draw the appropriate conclusions.

If the daughter does not want to work, it may be worth talking to her about this topic. Parents should try to explain to the girl that at first any job can be low-paid. As her career progresses, completely new prospects may open up, including in the financial sector. Moreover, it is necessary to support the initiative of the child if he himself expressed interest in a particular activity.

Parents should take care of their own lives. Guardianship of children is sacred, but as long as the children are weak, they are not independent. As soon as the child spreads its wings, the task of dad and mom is to give him a push in the right direction. And there, herself, dear, herself! You can help your daughter find a job, write a resume, turn to friends and relatives for help. Maybe they will help solve the issue of employment. But that's all. You do not need to control every step of the girl. The old baby is already big, she does not need diapers and a nosepiece. The daughter must learn to be strong, to understand that someday mom and dad will not be able to be together.

It is clear that for parents, the child will always remain small, regardless of age. You can take care of him further, but do it within reason. Especially it concerns financial matters. After all, there is nothing better, miraculous, than wise parental love. It nourishes and stimulates, gives hope in own forces, teaches not to be afraid of difficulties and will always be a support. Dads, moms, be wise, the fate, the future of your children depends on it!

A teenage girl has time for a computer, movies, workouts, talking on the phone and meeting friends. When the conversation turns to study and lessons, you hear that school is boring. Why does the teenage daughter not want to? Is this just a temporary riot, or a more serious problem?

What should parents do if their teenage daughter does not want to study? We will talk about this in this article.

Often students who were more diligent in primary school, and brought good grades, in high school they begin to study much worse.

It is a shock for parents when they see how a girl in her teens begins to bring deuces and remarks in her diary, or directly declares that science does not make sense, and going to school does not interest her at all.

The child grows up and changes. The parent slowly loses authority, the opinion of peers becomes more important. It is no longer possible to control a teenage girl as much as in elementary school, and carefully check whether she has finished.

However, this does not mean that we should say: “If you don’t want to study, that’s your business, only then will you be sweeping the streets in the future.”

You should not let everything take its course - this can turn into a tragedy, since adolescents, despite their craving for independence, are still not able to bear responsibility for such rash decisions.

To begin with, it is important to analyze the current situation and look for reasons. A child may not lose interest in learning without reason.

It is necessary, first of all, to conclude why the teenage daughter does not want to study. Only then can you help her help.

New school

For any student, changing schools is a big shock. Between primary, primary and high school there is a gap. Each of these schools has much higher requirements, and the child is initially unable to meet them. This is the principle of learning.

Often in new school you have to do it differently. The teacher no longer leads the students by the hand as it was in elementary school, does not dictate tasks. They are expected to record themselves.

The material for study is much more advanced, often you have to look for answers in other sources, because not all knowledge is available in textbooks. Added to this is the change environment; new friends, teachers.

Some children, especially sensitive ones, may feel lost. In the words: "I will not study anymore, it's boring" may be a request for help addressed to parents.

I do not understand anything!

Some children have a talent for the humanities, while others are inclined towards the exact sciences. You can't expect your child to get A's in every subject. It is worth emphasizing its good, strengths.

Often a teenage daughter does not want to study because she cannot cope with a certain subject. As a rule, this applies to the natural sciences, such as mathematics, physics, chemistry, as well as foreign languages.

If there are gaps in knowledge from previous years, learning problems become deeper. Even when the girl tries hard, she is unable to understand the following topics.

“If what I do does not bring results, then why should I study, and so it will not work!” - such thoughts swarm in the head of a teenager.

If this situation occurred in elementary school, as a rule, parents could help to deal with the material. In high school, this is already much more difficult.

It often happens that parents themselves do not cope with the school material, since during their time at school they did not study such things.

However, as a rule, a high school student himself does not want to study with mom or dad, he thinks it's a shame.

In this case, if the teenage daughter does not want to study, it is better to think about additional classes with an intelligent tutor.

It is important to find not just a good educator, but also a specialist who understands the topic. He can show the teenage girl another way of teaching that will be more convincing.

What if tutors don't help?

It is worth talking with the teacher, find out how he sees the current situation. Look at the requirements that the school sets. Maybe they are too high?

Parents send their child to study at a prestigious school, guided by the fact that he has the best education. But, not everyone has such abilities and can meet the requirements of an educational institution.

Of course, one should not rush to change schools, but sometimes this is the only way out. It's worth thinking about it.

If a child puts a lot of effort into science, but they do not bring results, then often he simply gives up and stops participating: “If I am a bad student, nothing will come of me, then why should I study?”.

Then changing the school to a less demanding one can bring a good effect. However, it is worth discussing this issue with the child and teachers.

Try to interest yourself

It happens that due to a lack of understanding of some subjects, the student loses interest in learning other disciplines.

If you see that your daughter is lagging behind in knowledge or does not understand some things, try to interest her yourself. This can be done in several ways.

• Find more information on difficult topic, present it to your daughter in a language she can understand.
• During the explanations, ask questions - as if you do not understand the topic, so the teenage girl will begin to delve into and deal with the difficulties herself.
• Praise the child for the smallest successes, especially in those areas that are difficult for him.
• Talk to the teacher and try to find solutions together.

Teenage daughter doesn't want to study, she's not a nerd!

In every class there are children who study and those who do not study or say they do not. Usually this second group is larger in number, more respected in the class, and more attractive than the first.

And any girl in adolescence wants to belong to her. Peer recognition is very important to her. The student does not want to be a "black sheep". You must understand this.

However, it is worth trying so that this group does not become destructive for your daughter. It is necessary to support the interests of the child, find his strengths, emphasize them. It is good if, outside of school, the child finds some kind of hobby, thanks to which he will feel confident, will be able to impress his peers.

Lack of thoughts about the future

Sometimes teenage girls do not want to study and prepare for exams. They believe that they are already adults, and they themselves can decide everything. Let the schoolgirl feel that it is not you who decides for her. You should definitely talk to her, ask how she sees her future.

Don't tell your teenager every day, "If you don't study, you won't pass your exams." It is enough to have one serious conversation on this topic.

During such a conversation, you can get the daughter to try to map out various scenarios for her future. It is worth asking what she will do if she fails the entrance exams.

When the daughter answers that she will go to study on a paid contract basis, ask the question of who will pay for it. If the girl thinks that she will earn money herself, let her add what she thinks about and how she wants to find it.

It will be good to provide a child with education, but only if we see that he puts a lot of work into doing well in exams. In that case, let him know that he can count on us.

Already in adolescence, it is necessary to actively develop the independence and responsibility of the child, otherwise he will grow up infantile, unable to solve all his problems. The goal of parents is to help and teach, and not to do everything for their student.

However, he must make a final decision and take action. Do not provide endless "tow" - this is not useful for the development of the character of a teenager. A high school student should know for what and why she will need science.

It is necessary to talk more often with her daughter that she will have an independent future, where no one will rake up the consequences of her wrong decisions. Sometimes it pays to allow yourself to make a mistake and make the wrong decision. We all learn from mistakes.

Incentivize with reward promises

Determine your daughter's abilities and, based on them, formulate the goals that she must achieve. They must be achievable.

For one child, this will be a B at the end of the year in physics, for another, an excellent mark in English language. Say that if your daughter succeeds, then you will realize her dream, for example, buy new videos.

Never scare if your teenage daughter doesn't want to study!

“If you don’t start learning your lessons and studying, I will put a password on the computer, forbid you to go to training and meet with friends…” – how often do our children hear such threats?

In this way, you only provoke a teenager to rebel, and you make it so that he loses confidence in you. If you realize your threat, then your beautiful girl will become embittered and will hate studying even more.

If the threats are not fulfilled, he will consider that it is not worth sticking to your prohibitions and instructions, because he will not get anything for it.

We advised what parents should do if their teenage daughter does not want to study. Be patient, everything will be fine!

In society, it is considered normal that children, becoming adults, begin an independent life. However, not in all cases such an event occurs by itself. Some adult offspring have to be pushed to finally move on and take full responsibility. Many parents strive to help their children and do so for a very long time. It happens that an adult “child” is already over thirty, and he lives like a carefree eighteen-year-old student, not thinking about his future life and building his own family. Separation from father and mother may never happen. Why change something if everything suits him anyway? Mom always cooks at home Tasty dinner and feed his "baby", wash the clothes, iron them and lay them neatly on the shelf.

Unfortunately, the problem of infantilism of those who are already over twenty is not uncommon. Some people, having become quite adults, do not dare to be independent. When a son does not want to work, parents clutch their heads and do not know what to do. At the same time, as it turns out, an overgrown “child” does not want to receive an education, and sometimes, under the guise of “learning”, continues to enjoy life without straining at all. Here you can not do without the wise advice of a psychologist. Only a competent specialist can help to understand the situation and suggest an important thought. Before proceeding to action, you need to know the motives for which a young man or girl refuses to find a job. Then, armed with knowledge, you can already do something.

The reasons

What can be sufficient reason for an adult son or daughter to spend time idly, as if they were in childhood? This approach to life cannot be called serious, it rather indicates emotional and social immaturity. Infantilism in adults is manifested by the inability to take responsibility for their actions and actions. You can often see how adult men under thirty still live with their parents and are in no hurry to acquire own families. However, they do not want to invest in family budget. Why is this happening? Let's try to figure it out.

Low requests

Some people want to achieve a high position in society, others are satisfied with the very minimum that fate can offer. Not everyone feels the need to purchase expensive things, clothes, accessories. For some, the bare minimum is enough to feel happy and calm. If a person has low demands, then he will not strive to make good money. A person is able to develop only in a situation of limitation, when basic needs are not satisfied. If parents provide everything for a young person, then he will not strive for independence until an unmet need appears. That is why it is extremely undesirable to pamper a child, while he is growing, to fulfill all his whims.

The advice of a psychologist will be useful to those who intend to actively act in order to radically change the situation. The situation when a son or daughter, having reached a mature age, sits on the parent's neck, cannot please. Such a disorder of one's own child upsets, disappoints the mother and father, makes one doubt oneself, look for the mistakes that were once made.

Lack of self-esteem

It stems from a sense of helplessness. If a person, having reached a certain age, does not grow up in time, then no one can force him to do this. He simply will not find the strength in himself for further changes, in order to decide on global and decisive steps. Self-doubt can poison the life of anyone and interfere with personal development. When a daughter who has reached the age of majority does not want to work, this is not so bad. In the end, a girl can successfully marry and live at the expense of her husband. In the event that a guy refuses all employment, then you need to sound the alarm. The young man must learn responsibility, which he will later accept as his own. own family. If he is so dependent that he cannot bring himself to get up from the couch and start doing something, then it will not be possible to rely on him in the future. Self-doubt, as a rule, gives rise to numerous other problems.

excessive shyness

Sometimes young man it can be quite difficult to start an independent life because of the fears that disturb him. He may suffer greatly from the fact that he fails to organize his life properly and achieve the desired goal. In this case, parents need to help with advice, send their son. If the reason is that the young person has no desire to struggle with difficulties, you need to get him to overcome shyness. Such constraint in adulthood only interferes. Infantilism must be prevented, not allowed to grow. If the son does not cope with the difficulties in time, then he will not be able to take responsibility for all the events that occur. Talk to a grown child, explain why it is important to get on your feet in time and be independent, give practical advice.

The protracted search for oneself

Usually youthful searches end by the age of twenty-two. At this time, there is a need to do something for themselves, young people are in a hurry to separate from their parents. If this does not happen, there is a serious reason to think about the well-being and maturity of a person. If a son or daughter does not want to work, there must be a reason for this behavior. The position may be dictated by the need to find oneself in an interesting and creative activity. However, if the search continues for years and does not lead to anything definite, then this is an occasion to think deeply. In many cases, young people simply do not know how to realize their own interests and abilities, therefore they are ready to justify inaction with bad luck or failures for a long time.

The fear of losing comfort is a childish position that is not characteristic of an adult. If there is an extreme lack of independence, then one cannot limit oneself to advice. We need to take concrete steps forward.

Failure to plan

Sometimes it happens that an adult man does not have elementary skills. He not only does not want to live at his own expense, but also to do something useful. Here, even the most strict parents are unlikely to be able to force him to take up his mind. The inability to plan, the lack of habit to conduct daily affairs turn a young person into a weak-willed and helpless social relations creature. In no case should you indulge his weaknesses, otherwise you will have to support such a “baby” all your life. Unfortunately, very often the lack of desire to improve one's life is associated with a number of other problems: alcohol, smoking, computer games and complete inactivity. Bad habits tend to get stronger over time.

What to do

Making an adult work when he doesn't want to is very difficult, almost impossible. The fact is that a formed personality wants to manage his life on his own. Most likely, the grown offspring will rebel in every possible way and show an extreme degree of indignation. Despite all the dissatisfaction, parents should act as straightforward and firmly as possible. Otherwise, you will never be able to remove an overgrown kid from your neck, who lives for his own pleasure and does not want to change anything.

Thoughts on the future

If you don’t know where to start a conversation with your son about his employment, then it’s best to make you think about the future. During such conversations, it will become clear what he dreams of, what plans he has. Before bringing serious accusations to a person, it is necessary to listen to him, to give him an opportunity to explain himself. Who better than parents to know their child? When a person tries to hide something or provoke a quarrel, it is quite noticeable and immediately catches the eye. Joint thoughts about the future will help the young person decide, and parents will better understand him.

Don't give money

If there is no way to influence the adult son, it remains only to limit his content. What does it mean? You just don’t need to give him pocket money, food, then he will be forced to start providing for himself. As a rule, such a serious step makes an adult man move, do something. Self-reliance begins with making the right decision. Let the son be indignant and offended now, but then he will sincerely thank him for the lesson taught. Of course, it is better if awareness comes earlier. There is nothing worse than a war with your own child. Mutual reproaches and accusations can ruin a relationship for a long time. The matter must be approached responsibly, explained tactfully, but firmly.

Conclusion: an adult, whether a man or a woman, must be separated from their parents in time, acquire financial independence. A grown child should not be allowed to enjoy the kindness of his father and mother.

Good afternoon, Maria Vladimirovna! Please advise what to do in such a situation: We are an ordinary family, quite intelligent people with higher education, we both work. We experienced a lot in life. People of the same circle. It was not customary for us to swear - until recently. Our daughter is 25 this year. In her clothes, as well as in her behavior, teenage motifs prevail - sneakers, sandals, trousers - stubbornness, rejection, often a lie. Femininity is completely absent. Doesn't do hair long hair rarely neat. She lives in another city with a man /stayed there after her studies/. We constantly help with money, if possible, but she still does not work, she sleeps until noon. My anxiety about her marriage causes her irritation towards me, one might say, hatred. Can be rude, and after a while behave as if nothing had happened. Lately there has been some sort of condescending and condescending note in her address to me. We practically do not communicate. She stopped talking about her life altogether, the conversation with her is so difficult that it became easier not to call, not to ask about anything. . And as a child, her habits of slovenliness, lies and laziness did not cause me joy, but now she uses any excuses, often even so “sewn with white threads” - just to refuse some minor requests for help. Some kind of consumerism. This is the sixth year, and, of course, exhausted. For some reason, the husband is afraid to make a remark to her, in every possible way justifies any of her actions. They just don't want to hear anything. Twelve years ago, his attitude towards me began to gradually change. Of course, in our relationship with him there was no longer incendiary romance, but there was respect and friendship. At first, I could not believe it. She tried to somehow stir him up, she often told him about love. No, he stopped completely. And all of a sudden I stopped liking my cooking, and nit-picking over small things kept pouring down (this is not how I open and close taps, etc.). He began to make fun of me - which had never happened before. When this happened for the first time, it even seemed to me that in front of me was some stranger, and he liked it. This went on until I began to resist, only then he tempered his sarcasm. But this is not the worst. I began to notice how my daughter behaves with him when she arrives - she waits when I'm not around and uses the simplest female tricks: she looks into his eyes, sits closer and speaks in an unusually gentle voice for her, or she instantly changes into a swimsuit and in front of him " is charging." I'm ashamed to say that the day before yesterday it got to the point that she played, played with her body in front of him, and she left, and he immediately wanted sex. And one more thing: since last year, there have been cases when he self-satisfied at night with a dream - whom ??. I woke up from bed shaking, characteristic movements and sounds. And this despite the fact that his wife is nearby (by the way, he did not refuse sex). Or he began to linger in the bathroom contrary to his previous habits, and “tired” comes out of there. It's disgusting. The more I think about it, the worse it feels. How I still live - in some kind of "armor of detachment", realizing that otherwise you can go crazy. Sex with him ceased to satisfy me, but some feeling of warmth remained. Probably, this is our relationship and hold on for now. I look younger than my years, watch my appearance and weight, fashion trends in clothes. Yes, and the figure of God is not offended - men look in. But in comparison with her, of course, I lose something. But this rivalry, with its absurdity, exhausted the nerves. I don't understand her purpose. There are no parents anymore .. It’s a shame to consult with friends. How to say this - after all own father seduce is wild. I don’t know what to do, and there are no more tears, soon there will be only hatred for both of them. If possible, help. Sincerely, Taisiya.

Answer:

(Psychologist)

Hello Taisiya!
Sorry for the delay in replying! To begin with, let's identify a number of problems that bother you. I will list, and you correct me if something is wrong.
1. Daughter, her behavior, attitude towards you, daughter's lifestyle.
2. The behavior of the daughter in relation to the father. Seduction attempts.
3. Husband's attitude towards you. That his attitude has basically changed.
4. Sexual games of the husband, his self-satisfaction.

Now let's try to figure out what's going on. So, the first question is the daughter. As you write, from childhood, the daughter showed the qualities that she has now. Over time, these qualities were consolidated and strengthened. She did not want to fight them, somehow change herself, and does not want to now. So, everything suits her. Why did she develop these qualities? Why is your relationship not developing warmly now? Most likely, the answer to these questions lies in your relationship since childhood. Once you could not find any common ground with each other, your daughter wanted one thing, you wanted another, but there were no ways to interact. It happens, but these problems from childhood flow into adulthood. And, often, in order to solve a similar problem, you need to move away from the strategy that you are used to. You don't like your daughter's lifestyle. It is your opinion. How is your daughter feeling? Does she like living the way she lives? Think about it, if everything suits her (the fact that she is not married, that she does not work, etc.), then why should you interfere? 25 years is the age when a person is already old enough to make thoughtful independent decisions and live the way he wants. Let your daughter live as she wishes. The fact that you support her financially is your right. You can give money or you can not. Again, the age of the daughter is such that she can also provide for herself if she wants to. See if your relationship changes if you stop criticizing your daughter's lifestyle and just start accepting her for who she is. At the same time, do not take on the role of a victim. You are a self-sufficient adult woman. Live your life, take care of yourself, think of yourself, love yourself, be yourself. Your example can change the daughter's attitude.

2. The second question is the daughter's behavior towards her father, seduction. There are more questions than answers here. It matters how the relationship between the daughter and dad developed in childhood, in adolescence, how they develop now. If the father did not pay enough attention to his daughter in childhood (including adolescence), then her current behavior may be a compensation for the lack of attention in the past. Thus, the daughter receives recognition from her father, an understanding that she is interesting to him (even if the interest is only external). What to do? I think that a conversation with my daughter on this topic will end in a negative. Of course, you can try to ask her not to undress in front of her father, but here you can run into contradictory bayonets. And since your relationship is a little strained, then it may be worth postponing the conversation. If the daughter does not attempt sexual contact with the father, then you should not worry too much just yet.

3. Questions three and four. Husband's attitude towards you, his self-satisfaction. Why your relationship began to change, you should be clearer. Try to analyze when the changes began to occur, what contributed to this. How did you communicate with your husband, how did you solve problems, did you accumulate claims or discuss contradictions, how correctly did you always interact? You may be able to understand the reason for the change. But even if the reason is not clear, it is never too late to start working. Start talking to your husband about what worries you. Talk about your feelings in the first person as soon as the situation arises. (Darling, I hate that you make me incorrect remarks. It really hurts me. It hurts me. I would like to ask you to explain why you are telling me this?). Try not to blame your husband, not to demand anything from him, but to strive to understand his motives, discuss with him emerging problems (concerning your relationship), expressing your feelings, and ask his opinion (are you satisfied with everything? Would you like to change something in our relationships? what would you like? I would like something, could you do it for me?). If the husband is not ready to make contact, do not push, wait for the right moment. Sooner or later you will talk. Then you will be able to understand how to proceed further.

As for the husband's masturbation, here the question is also ambiguous. Perhaps, over time, he began to require additional sexual stimulation, and with the help of masturbation he receives it. Who exactly is present in his fantasies is not important (as long as the fantasy remains a fantasy, this is the norm, even if there are animals or children in the fantasy). If these thoughts help him get satisfaction, let him get it. Every person is entitled to their own characteristics. And there is nothing wrong with the fact that the husband satisfied his sexual desire with the help of his hand, even when you were around. It happens that an active desire arose, to wake you up - this is still time for foreplay, etc., but he wanted to quickly, respectively, masturbation is used. Of course, if masturbation replaces sex with you almost entirely, then this is not quite normal. But here, again, the problem can be solved through interaction with her husband. Talk about what worries you. Say that you want more frequent sexual contact. Say that you know about his masturbation, and delicately hint that instead of a hand, it is better to let him address you. Ask how your husband would like to diversify your sex life? What can you do for him in this regard? And in this conversation you will also see whether the husband is ready to interact with you or not.

And the last. All the problems in your family weigh on you. You are carrying this load without anyone's help. Think about why you are doing this? If you do not receive support from either your husband or daughter, it may be time to change something in your life. own life. Not only solve family problems, but also just remember that you are a woman who can be loved, beautiful, needed, desired. Take care of yourself. Add something new to your life that would make you positive emotions. Just start appreciating yourself a little more. Don't make constant sacrifices for your loved ones. Relationships are about mutual giving. If only you give, is that right? Change your attitude towards yourself, and the world around you will begin to change, you yourself will notice it.

Hope I could help you a little. Any questions, write, we will think.