Alexander gezalov biography. Unnecessary gozal

It seems to me that I always mentally write something. Or I watch a movie - I scroll before my mind's eye an invisible film on which events, faces, destinies different people. And a great desire - to get all this "from the inside" and show everyone.

I love watching people. For example, on the bus I look at someone and notice the tattoo "Valya" on my arm. I peer into the faces of aged people, those who have already begun to deteriorate. I look at the children walking next to their parents. I peer into the night windows, trying to imagine what is behind the curtains ... Why do I need this, why? .. I don’t know.

Why did I, yielding to my indistinct desire, take up the pen to tell about my “salty” childhood? .. I don’t know either.

I would very much not like that, reading these lines, it would seem to you that I want to pity someone, so that someone would take pity on me. No. And I would like that, after reading the memories of the "salty" childhood, someone's heart trembled. Maybe this someone will remember their children. Where are they, what's wrong with them? Or, having met a child from an orphanage, you will be ready not only to "regret", but sincerely help such a child. All you need to do is participate in his destiny. Often it doesn’t come to this, the “uncle-aunt” candy is already considered participation ... And where is the golden mean when, after helping and assisting the orphan, you need to leave in time, give him a chance and the opportunity to take the first independent step in life. He most often does not understand that your help cannot last forever and only he can help himself ...

About myself and my comrades, their destinies, I tried to write as truthfully as possible, because I think that it is important to write the truth. Maybe the truth will put everything in its place years later, at least somehow alleviate the current orphan suffering (I wanted to remove this phrase, but this is also true). Many of my friends are no longer alive.

Childhood is different, and it depends only on the parents. Only they are responsible for the childhood of their children.

I would not want this book to sound like an accusation to parents, it is not about them, but rather for them - "Judge not, lest you be judged." But there are orphanages and will continue to exist for a very long time, and we must be able to help orphans find themselves, understand the world order and find in themselves the motives of Hope, Faith and Love. It's all like " living water"To their wounded souls. Love these and all children, and they will be happy. I would like teachers working with orphans in orphanages to read my memoirs. I will not have advice and suggestions on how to be. These memoirs simply tell , as it was, it was with me and my friends, deprived of parental love, family and received "systemic education" in return. Years later, I can call the orphanage with one word - "system". Maybe these memories will help some of the teachers to understand this system, to understand the intricacies of the relationship of all participants in the "process".

Orphanages are lagging behind the rapidly changing times" outside world"due to their closeness from society, the internal "order". It is much harder for orphans to maneuver "in time" than for children at home. To be able to appreciate children, their efforts and desire to live as happily as possible, as it is so important to help them in this and to help them in the future.Children, any children want joy and warmth... We must try to help them find this warmth.

Petrozavodsk. Evening.

I walked the dog (I will write about its fate a little later), breathed in the air, as if before diving. I visited the Alexander Nevsky Cathedral and whispered a prayer. I'm getting ready. I know exactly what to write about the orphanage today.

For a long time I chose the music to which I would work, I chose songs from Ryazanov's films - I lived under them, therefore, I remember under them ... Then I will put on Mark Bernes, he is close to me, very ... Life, like songs, is different.

I didn’t think that it was so difficult to remember what was lived, experienced ... And what is simple in life? It's important to start... No, I’ll put on Bernes earlier, the dying disc, the voice is very sad ...

Yes, it is Petrozavodsk and nothing else. But it could be, for example, Moscow. Or Suzdal, Vladimir, Sudogda, Sobinka - in general, the whole Vladimir region. It was there that my strange childhood passed. There they threw me, shook me from one orphanage to another ...

In 1990, after three years in the Navy, I didn't care where I went. I was not expected - everywhere. You could get off at any station. I left in Petrozavodsk. What I do not regret. A kind of strange freedom, the freedom to choose freedom...

The phrase "we all come from childhood" and about me and not about me. I didn’t have a childhood, something that happens to everyone. Sweet, cheerful, carefree, with Mom and Dad. I only know the one who created me. He's up there... It's easier that way. It is difficult, painfully difficult to imagine those who gave birth to me and left me ... For what?

It seems that I remember myself very small, oddly enough - just born, understanding that I was left in the hospital. I ask with my eyes: how am I doing? Something white that makes it awkward to look me in the eyes. And "it" all laments: "Mom will come, mom will come ..."

This strange phrase crashed into me like a torpedo into a steamship. Where and why should my mother leave me? "White" already knows that the mother will not come. I know too. But "they" were taught to speak the "truth" in such a way that the child would not fidget, would not cry - he would be silent, as before being shot.

Then I did not hear these four letters for a very long time, for a very long time: M, A, P, A. And then the question in orphanages sounded ridiculous: do you love your mother? What mother? Whose mom? Show me her, maybe I'll give an answer ... Why these illusions about a mother who is not around? Illusions interfere with life ... Later, when I was leaving the orphanage, poking around in "vacation documents, I met the crumpled lines of a clumsy note:" I refuse my son because I can not ... "I regret that I threw this yellow paper sheet into the wind, like once he was abandoned himself. Apparently, genes - to give up everything ... Probably, I felt sorry for my mother then ... But out of ignorance, I threw out a lot of things in life. Now I have only one laminated certificate on my hands: I lived in an orphanage, a seal. And nothing more ...

Print for life.

After looking for insects in our heads and diagnosing - pediculosis, I and my comrades were sent to Gus-Khrustalny - a beautiful Russian ancient city - a city of underground crystal.

For some reason, in every new children's institution, everyone was always interested in my last name. They asked me if I knew Azerbaijani. It was ridiculous, because it is known that I come from a maternity hospital. I didn't really know Russian either. But they asked without hesitation. Sometimes just out of idle curiosity. So they sometimes look into the aquarium to ask what the name of the fish is. But I'm not a fish, though ... At one time I even wanted to change my last name - to Kolokoltsev, for example ...

Our "garden-garden" was near the market. We were engaged in the fact that we stood near the fence and looked plaintively at passers-by - even then we began to "orphan", knowing that we had nowhere else to wait for participation. Sometimes we were served something. Most of all fell to me, apparently, "beautifully" made the eyes. Passers-by shoved seeds, sweets, pickles into our pockets ... And in the future, "orphanhood" often saved, helped to survive. And is it possible to blame children who themselves have to look for a country of joyful, "sweet" childhood?

The educators, they are "vospy", often gathered in the gazebo, smoked "Belomor" and talked about this and that. I, hiding nearby, eavesdropped, for which I sometimes got it. And I was wondering what adult aunts who have so many personal problems at work and at home are talking about. In order not to be caught again, I crawled under the gazebo and, lying on the ground, with my hands under my head, listened to the "film radio".

Alexander Gezalov deals with the problems of orphans and other socially significant activities. This year he turned 48 years old, he has a family: a wife, four children and a dog. He is one of the leaders of the social center in the Donskoy Monastery. In his current life, you can’t say that all his childhood was spent in an orphanage. But this is at first glance. Recently, Alexander published the book "Salty Childhood", in which he talked about how to grow in the system. About this book, orphans and family, our conversation with Alexander.

- To be honest, I'm a little confused, because we usually start interviews with parents, talking about what they gave a person in life. However, instead of parents, you had an orphanage.

- I give a lot of interviews. And the most frequent question: why didn't I become what most of the orphanage graduates become?

The answer may not seem entirely logical. However, first of all, the reason is the increased attention to the external environment. The ability to notice not only large strokes, but also small details. This is because for a child in an orphanage this is the main method of education. Now it helps a lot. Coming to some colony with which we work, I notice how many light bulbs are not lit, what needs to be changed, what needs to be corrected. After a cursory examination, I can give the exact figures of what is needed. But the main details that I have learned to notice are in people.

Thousands of them pass through the orphanage. You learn to determine what kind of person is in front of you, what kind of eyes he has, how he behaves, what he has with his family. This is a trait common to many orphanages. The home child is constantly switched from one activity to another, involved in this process. Here you constantly communicate with your "cellmates" and strangers. You are constantly involved in the process of "poor-quality interaction", from which, apart from observation, you can not get anything.

I even described it in my book. An unfamiliar uncle leans towards you with a question: “Well, how are you doing here?” I would like to answer: “What do you think?” A huge number of tactless, unethical questions that violate personal boundaries. They ask about the surname, language, mother ... And this is still a very common situation. It remains only to observe and draw conclusions. Thousands of people, tens of thousands of observations - clear conclusions. I read an American study that orphans are higher in knowledge than any psychologist, because their psychological research and analytics are higher than the practice of any psychologist.

But if you use these observations to gain some skills, like, say, actors, that's one thing. When, in principle, you do not need this knowledge for anything specific, it changes your picture of the world.

– Perhaps psychologists could help change something in this picture?

How can a psychologist help? His task is to "open" the problem. What is there to open?

Social orphanage expert and father of four children Alexander Gezalov answered a common question -why he is not going to take an orphan child into his family.

Alexander Gezalov answers a question

There are people who believe that if you are engaged in social work, you yourself are from an orphanage, then you simply have to take an orphan child.

I do not think so.

I believe that if there are all the necessary conditions for this - in the family, in the head - then this question is appropriate. And since this becomes a moment of boorish behavior towards me, I decided to answer.

They say to me: “Here you are dealing with orphans, but you yourself do not take an orphan.” I am a shoemaker without boots - this time. Secondly, I myself need to raise my four children, I have a wife, we actually have no parents. We have only our personal capabilities. For me, it's a matter of reason. I reasonable person, I understand that one pity for the child is not enough, many opportunities, keys are needed. There is no place for an orphan in our family, and this is objective.

Therefore, I think that it is necessary to speak honestly about this. We have adopted this: if you say "no", then you are a bastard. I do not think that I am a bastard, I value my wife and want her lived longer. I understand that I have a newborn baby, small children.

Barren couples must turn to orphans

The number of returns in Moscow has increased several times. This is due to the fact that people take an orphan child either out of pity or to wave a flag. But the flag is quickly frayed by the problems that arise. Therefore, I believe that there should be more sobriety and responsibility in these matters. It is necessary that a person understands the resources of the family, the help of specialists is needed.

An important point: in Russia, 8 million infertile couples who are being treated give a lot of money to conceive a child. For many, this does not work out - the Lord does not give. And there are 128 thousand children who need parents. Therefore, I believe that these people should turn to children. Yes, they are born by other people, but they are children of God.

I believe that in this context, the ideas of adoption should be considered today. So that we do not have banners, campaigns in which children are taken and then returned. Let it be a leisurely reflection, a review of personal underwear, but so that the child who comes to the family gets what he needs.

The main home for the child is the parental heart

Many tolerate the child to live in the family until the age of 18. Not to give up, not to show your weakness. But who will this child grow up to be is the question. And there are enough children.

Now I do a lot of counseling on these issues and I am going to create a counseling center that anticipates the adoption itself. You need to talk to a person so that his illusions are discarded, so that he does not have fantasies on this topic. So that he realizes that a child will come to his territory, to his house, who does not know how to live in a family, does not know family values, and the main question is how to live with this further.

I had a consultation with a woman who wrote that she was ready to take on an orphan because she had 400 meters of housing. I said, “The main home you can offer a child is your heart. As long as it's too small." And she didn't.

In the Samara region there is a girl who was taken into the family 7 times. She has now graduated - so no one took her. Because they took it like this: to play, to take them to a cafe, to the movies.

Many of us graduate from the school of adoptive parents and even after that leave their children. This suggests that the game is over, reality has come.

For my child, I want to be a father, not a public figure

Although my wife doesn't mind. She looks at photos and videos of children - of course, she is sorry. But I have no pity. I have a sober and professional look. I can tell a lot about a child from a picture, from a video, because I myself was in this system and observed this process. Therefore, I explain to my wife that this really requires a lot, these are really big resources. It's not just our desire to give a bed. These are relationships, communication, retraining, pulling up in studies. This is a return to the family roots. After all, today everyone wants the child to reject the past and call us dad and mom. Never! Only by respecting his parents, he will respect you.

When Agrafena was born, fights between the boys became more frequent - well, such a showdown. They love their sister, kiss, nipple, cover with a blanket. But sometimes the question of the distribution of parental love arises. It used to be one or two, but now it's three. So there is a deficit. That is, some kind of parental understanding is required.

We read stories in the evening. Basically, mom, and I tell some made-up stories. First we read Tikhon, then Fedya, then all together. Then everyone goes to bed. It is clear that everyone has a different age, different perceptions. Tikhon needs pictures, Fedya needs more words, he is a fantasizing child, draws, knows Pushkin's fairy tales, etc.

Therefore, of course, a child who has gone through the orphanage system needs Special attention, especially if the family has a history of different ages. Therefore, I feel that our resources are not enough, for all my charisma and ability to build relationships, I understand that it will be very individual work. And my children also want a father.

It should not be that I will be a father for them, and for this child - a social activist. I would like him to feel equal.

Interviewed by Irina Yakusheva

Alexander Gezalov. Photo: Pavel Smertin

As usual, it was attended not only by persons without a fixed place of residence, but also by people who provide assistance to them - volunteers, philanthropists.

This time, Gezalov did not run around the field with the rest of the players, but stood on the podium at the microphone, commenting on the matches of the tournament. His two sons, Fedor and Tikhon, were running around the field, playing for the team of the Donskoy Monastery.

- Alexander, why do your children play for this team?

– Because I now work in the Donskoy Monastery, heading the Social Center of St. Tikhon there. We help homeless people, families with many children and foster families, low-income citizens, convicted women and teenagers in correctional facilities.

Today, for example: our football club "Donskoy" is taking part in a tournament organized by your help service "Mercy". Well, the rest of the time we feed, clothe, support homeless people ...

Every Saturday, our center distributes clothes - women's, men's, children's. We give toys, some furniture to the needy, and sometimes, if donors donate, also equipment. Today, by the way, we just had a distribution of clothes. Every year we collect approximately 60 tons of clothes. We collect and immediately distribute it to people. We try not to accumulate it in warehouses.

How do you help convicted women?

– Let's take, for example, children's homes at correctional colonies, where children born from mothers in these institutions live. These orphanages need help to equip them. We painted the fence there bright colors. It seems that barbed wire is no longer so scary. We also opened the only sensory room in Russia for children growing up behind barbed wire...

- Where is it?

- Vladimir region, the village of Golovino. The other day they brought furniture, strollers, toys and diapers there. The next step will be projects for the socialization and resocialization of women who leave correctional institutions. Now we are gathering psychologists who will teach them how to prepare them for life in the wild. Our main goal is for women to pick up their children after they are released, and not leave them in the orphanage system.

– Do you also help teenagers in colonies?

- Yes. We recently went to the Aleksinsky juvenile colony. This is in the Tula region. They held a master class in cooking there, then organized a culinary competition. Specially for this, they brought equipment that remained in the colony. So the guys who are interested in culinary art will be able to master this science further.

– Do you continue to work with orphans?

- Of course. Recently I returned from a big trip, very difficult. I was in Yekaterinburg, Kurgan, Cheboksary, Yoshkar-Ola… Literally in a week I traveled all these cities, worked with orphanages, with the pupils themselves, with graduates of orphanages. Explained to the guys what awaits them behind the fence, in tomorrow. Unfortunately, they don't quite imagine it. And, of course, there are difficulties for children. These are housing, and education issues, communication problems, communication with parents ... In general, the same as with domestic children. It's just that sometimes it's more difficult for orphans, because there is a certain habit - to live in the system of orphanages.

During this trip, I also talked with volunteers, volunteers who work with orphans, they must work correctly, and not just organize holidays, songs and dances in orphanages. Education is also very important. For the last 20 years, that's all I've been doing.

In fact, orphans are the main line, but working with others social groups, I realized that the technologies, in principle, are the same.

You need to understand the problem, look for resources, support, make the right project so that it really helps - and socialize, and take place, improve in life. This, of course, requires knowledge. It is not enough just one of our ideas, our dance ...

– At one time, you were actively involved in the socialization project for graduates of the Stupenki orphanages. Is he alive?

- Yes, the "Steps" continue to work, and in different regions, not only in Moscow. We are actively cooperating with large big companies who help and finance projects to prepare children through these training apartments. Because, of course, they lack knowledge about independent living, lack experience.

A person must immerse himself in new circumstances offered to him outside the orphanage, and, accordingly, learn to live in new conditions of interaction with society, with the state, and various services.

A graduate should be able to pay for utilities, spend money wisely, communicate with neighbors, finally. In general, he has a lot to learn. And I am glad that such educational apartments have now appeared in many regions.

- Which ones exactly?

- Tomsk region, Ulyanovsk, Vladimir region, Kaluga, Karelia, Tyumen ... Now it has become a trend.

- And the Moscow apartment? Did she stay? Works?

Yes, the project continues to work. True, not in that apartment, but in other places. By the way, now the state has also picked up our idea to train orphans to live: they began to buy apartments, and in these apartments to prepare children for the trials of life. That is, we set this trend ...

- Unleashed...

- They promoted it, yes, they showed its effectiveness, and the state has already picked up our idea. I think this is the most important thing. That is, not only to point a finger at the problem, but to create some kind of effective tool, to offer it to the state as a trend.

Well, for example, the current trend is these adaptation camps, training camps ... We have such a camp, called “Leveling”. Once there was a camp "Yellow Submarine". The names are different, the content remains the same. Everything just moves forward.

We are changing, we are growing up, but technologies and methodologies remain. And there is already a new product, which is accepted, among other things, by the state. And children, most importantly, begin to live differently in the new conditions.

Now I still have such a task: to transfer all my experience in working with social groups to young children.

We have the School of Public Action at the Donskoy Monastery, which is organized by the St. Andrew the First-Called Foundation. This is a territory of learning and cooperation for young community leaders from different regions Russia and other countries. It is also a development platform for social projects and practices aimed at supporting the family, motherhood, fatherhood and childhood.

- To the question of fatherhood and motherhood. I know that you have four children. And all are blood. But you, it seems, were going to take a foster child?

Yes, my wife was going to. I have a certain rigid position on this matter. I understand how difficult and difficult it is in the format of my life - I am practically never at home. Who will be doing adopted child when I'm gone? Therefore, I told my wife: if you have a desire, go this way, I will help you as much as I can. But at the end of the journey, she realized that ... well, she was not ready.

Neither the territory is ready, nor she herself, nor the child. However, with our help, this child - well, because we showed him, saw him - went to the family. Yes, he found a family, but not ours.

So, has the ultimate goal been achieved?

- And for this, everything was done in fact. I understood that perhaps we would somehow pass this stage. Well, that's how they went through it: they were able to arrange a child, and themselves understand what we can and what we cannot.

We can't - that's honest, objectively. At least we did not injure anyone, did not deceive, did not return. This is what I think is correct. Again, considering my workload and the fact that I was recently in the hospital with a stroke…

- Yes I heard.

“This suggests that our resources are not unlimited. We are all human. This time. And secondly, thanks to this, I am now creating a service of mercy in the Donskoy Monastery. In the Buyanov hospital, where I was, there are not enough people, diapers, equipment, simple human support ... So I thought that our women, parishioners, should go there and help.

- Another question about your branded hat, which you have never taken off anywhere and ever. Why now without her?

- The hat is gone. I mean, she's already completely torn, yes. I now go without a hat. I'm really sorry.

- And the other - no, do you want?

There is no other like it, unfortunately. She just fit right in, and it was very good.

- Thanks. Is there a question I didn't ask you?

- Yes, he stayed. You didn't ask me if Olga Sinyaeva and I would do a project to overcome social orphanhood. Foundation for the fight against orphanhood.

- Yes. Will you do this project?

Well, we are working on it now. I actually realized that social networks are sometimes much more powerful than the organizations themselves. Because there are thousands of people around. And you can direct, support, accompany their resources. Therefore, we decided to leave it in the virtual space for the time being, when people can get involved in solving the issues of foster parents, single mothers.

Well, for example, during that year, together with Sinyaeva and Prokhorychev, we sent to families thanks to social networks 47 children. And seven of them have Down syndrome.

It seems to me that this format, probably, should be left. Because any tough legal situation can send me back, for example, to the Buyanov hospital. Something I don't want to go there anymore. Here. So let's keep working like this.

They say that a child who grew up in an orphanage or in an incomplete family, with a high probability, will not be able to create his own and is unlikely to become a good dad. Famous public figure Alexander Gezalov wrote a book about his orphanage childhood, became an international expert on social orphanhood and the father of four children - the daughters of Alexandra (born in 1996) and Agraphenes (born 2013), sons Fedor (born 2009) and Tikhon (born 2011). Alexander told Bata about his long journey from an orphanage to a family, about the happiness of being a dad and about gratitude to his father, whose name he does not even know.

The fact is that it is very difficult to peep the experience of living in a family. And when you don’t have this experience, when you don’t have this information resource, you don’t know what mom is responsible for, what dad is responsible for, of course, it’s difficult to cultivate this in yourself. And my first contact with my family did not work out. There were difficulties in communicating with the girl’s relatives, there were problems with housing, work, registration, status ... As I understand now, I tried to solve certain issues with pressure that just can’t be solved with pressure.

In order to come to the realization of the need for a family and somehow get settled, it took me 40 years. Just as Moses walked in the desert for 40 years, so I walked in the Russian desert for 40 years, gaining some knowledge that was important for me.

Soviet cinema helped me very well then. I liked the films "Gypsy", "Boys", "Men". That is, when you spy on someone else's life somewhere, some kind of pumping occurs. Then you face reality and understand that you still have some ideas.

And here is my second experience. family life- with Anna Vladimirovna, he somehow took place.

I had a family attitude. And, perhaps, education also helped, including acting, which gives the ability to put on a mask, to live in the circumstances offered. But the transfer of a character to yourself is possible only if you know that there is a certain task, a super task, when the leitmotif is clear to you. And here is my leitmotif - that I am a responsible father. I got used to this role - somewhere, maybe artificially initially ... But in the end I came to the conclusion that I am a father of many children and I have all these comrades.

The eldest daughter is now 20 years old. We always talked, but only thanks to the second family I realized how hard it is for her without me. Because now I see how, for example, the son of Fedya texts me, cries, is sad when I go on business trips.

My daughter comes to us, helps, plays and walks with the younger ones, the children are friends, they communicate on Skype. We meet with my daughter, I, as best I can, participate in her fate, we talk about her future. I feel responsible for her, so we had, have and will have contact.

The orphanage does not teach responsibility. He teaches just the opposite. And not everyone manages to overcome this infantilism in themselves, the perception of the world inherent there, the desire to delegate the solution of all their problems to someone else. Life quickly tore off my rose-colored glasses: when I got into one situation, into another bind, into the third, I realized that, damn it, you have to keep your fists, you have to be in good shape all the time, evaluate the consequences of your actions.

Inclined simple - from the orphanage to slide into prison. Most of those with whom I was in institutions went down this path. It is easy to switch from orphanage grubs to the prison gruel that the system has prepared for you. It is more difficult to learn how to cook both potatoes and soup, wash dishes, and work.

And few people imagine how much you need to rise above the circumstances, how much you need to ignore and how to spit on the opinions of other people who wish you not at all what you would wish for yourself (all the teachers in the orphanage predicted prison for me!) To do your choice and take the path of greatest resistance and take place.

I will say this: now there are a lot of not those “successful” people. I have a non-prestigious job, a rather modest apartment, and I believe that here they are - my big-eared values. The value is when they say "dad" to you.

The general trend now is: fathers are either in the field or in the tank. On earnings, in solving global political issues - anywhere, but not with children. They do not have time to give to children. And you have to be here and there.

I guess I'm a good father. I can’t say that I’m really perfect, because I have a big social workload, a lot of trips ... But I think that the main thing is to create an image of a father in children for the future, so that they understand that this is sometimes not easy, but responsibly and important .

Now everyone wants lights and likes. And fatherhood is work. When a person plays the piano, each hemisphere begins to work for his development, and a year of piano lessons increases the number of cerebral convolutions by 25 percent. That's the same fatherhood - it's hard, repairs, torn pants, worries, chores ...

From time to time we do something together, and I will definitely let them participate if we fix something, cook something. We have a piece of paper on which it is written who has what duties, each has his own area of ​​responsibility. Children see: dad earns money, vacuums, washes dishes, gives mom flowers; mom cooks, cleans, reads books to them, talks to grandma on the phone... Ordinary life - but these pictures are stored in their memory. The child, having matured, will turn around and remember.

Now I feel like my father has grown. Children need to be fed, watered, clothed, educated, participate in their lives - and this giving is valuable to me. I am 47 years old, and I understand that we are all not eternal, and we need to somehow invest in children, pass on knowledge, experience, and guidelines to them. Because it is the father and mother who lay in them the fire of life, the future desire to create.

We communicate with my mother sometimes, I found her myself, but, unfortunately, I don’t know anything about my father - she doesn’t speak. And I can guess why. He is Azerbaijani, and if he knew that she had abandoned the children, he could react very sharply to this.

I would like to understand who my ancestor is - not to compare externally, but to see the roots. I have this norm of honoring parents, so for me it has always been important.

I believe that I took place thanks to my father, I feel in myself the inclinations laid down by him. This is self-assessment, and critical perception, and analytics. I feel that through the walls of the orphanage, the connection with the father, in spite of everything, made its way. And I am grateful to my father. And my children will thank, grandfathers, grandmothers, even though they don’t even know the name of their grandfather.

And there is no resentment. When you live in an orphanage, you do not understand this story, you live in your own illusions. And when you leave, you understand - you are alone. And the only way to achieve anything is to forgive everyone. After all, this is the most the main problem: when a person is upset, angry - this is a defeat of the personality. This bitterness leads to various terrible consequences ...

I don't know if my father is alive or not. And I can’t imagine our meeting, I don’t want any Santa Barbara, I don’t dream of experiencing something emotionally. I live and don’t think about it, only somewhere in the extreme corner of my consciousness there is an idea that it would be good ... There is a focus on my life. Because I myself am already a tree, and he, unfortunately, no longer exists. The root came off, a new branch appeared grafted ...

Anything can happen in life, life is complicated, ties are broken, people make mistakes ... Vysotsky has this song: “You can’t take motherhood from the Earth, Don’t take it away, how not to scoop out the sea. Who believed that the Earth was burned? No, she hid from grief. Here we have something hidden all the time: our roots, our kinship, our past. But regardless of the circumstances, we can, like a phoenix, be reborn. And I really feel on myself that, having gone through all these difficult paths, I was reborn and gave birth myself.

They say: "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I always walked along the thin line, kept the balance between black and white. I had internal filters where to say no and where yes. But the extent to which a particular person is ready to make vital decisions is always big question. To be honest, I would not wish such a fate as mine to anyone. From the point of view of the moments experienced. And from the point of view of fatherhood - yes, I am a happy parent!

Recorded and prepared by Alexander Obolonkov.